Marycat1

So a couple of months ago, I had an interview for my first job. The director told me that it doesn’t require a lot of experience, just that I needed to be comfortable. I applied for an assistant teacher position at a daycare, and the director placed me in the four-year-old, two year-old, and one year-old classrooms.

I did really well with the one and two year-old classrooms, but really struggled in the four year old classroom. Unfortunately, that was the class the director was looking in first, and she immediately noticed my discomfort. I feel so stupid for not just sticking to the other two classrooms, as I know that’s the age group I work the best with.

I desperately want this job, and have written an email to the director stating where I went wrong and why, and asking for a second chance. The main reason I did poorly was because my mom had discouraged me prior, as she stated that with me being autistic, I might not have what it takes to do this job, despite always telling me that I work well with kids. This led to me freezing up around kids I normally work well with.

Anyway, my goal is to hopefully get a second chance, this time I’m not going to tell my mom as I don’t want to get discouraged again. The picture above is the email I sent to the director, I’ve never had to write one of these, so I hope it’s good enough.

So my family and I have been on vacation for over a week now, we go home on Sunday. I won’t lie, it’s been difficult. From my sister’s depression, my dad’s need to hurry all the time, and my mom’s constant contradictions, I’ve struggled to keep calm.

However, throughout the trip, I have had some major wins. It started the first five days, where we all had to share a room together. It was fine with me, but my dad and sister snore very loudly, and my mom tends to hog the bed so I was a little uncomfortable. But headphones and a pillow divider made it easier. It wasn’t until the fourth and fifth night that I struggled.

Another win happened that I didn’t know I was going to need to do. So yesterday, we had to move hotel rooms, and my mom asked me to grab a cart. I was fine with that, but then she asked if I would like to give the room key to the receptionist. I gallantly said yes, despite being extremely worried as I’ve never done it on my own before. But I managed and was very pleased with myself. Another small thing (which I’m not proud of as my mom nagged me to do it on my own when I already planned to), was that I went back by myself for a doctors appointment (as my ear was hurting bad and it turned out to be an ear infection). Normally I would be pleased with myself for this, but since I was nagged constantly and my mom seemed frustrated, so I wasn’t too thrilled about it.

And now for the big one, the one that I never thought I’d actually do. So we traveled to Minnesota and went to the Mall of America, and my sister wanted to go to Nickelodeon Universe, the indoor amusement park. I love rides but HATE big roller coasters with big drops and upside down parts. The last time we were there, my sister got really moody and frustrated because I was too scared to go on the big rides. I felt awful about it, and with how moody she’d been on our trip, it was my mission to make everybody happy (by being polite to my parents and riding big rides for my sister.

I went on the biggest ride in the whole park (an upside down roller coaster with loops and corkscrews, along with a vertical lift and big sideways drop at the beginning. I was so afraid. I nearly backed out, but then I saw a little kid get on in front of me, so I knew I had to do it. It really helped that the person next to me was as scared as I was. It ended up being ok (minus the big drop lol).

It has been one crazy trip, but sometimes the smallest things can be the biggest wins.

So a friend of mine who I’ve had a good relationship with for several months told me about a month ago that she wants to stop talking to me all together as she thinks I am too overbearing and bring up unnecessary topics unintentionally. She basically said that I stole her voice from her, that she never can get a word in around me, and that she is a very private person. Yet, she never let me explain why I am the way that I am.

I never meant for this to happen, and I feel terrible about it, it’s all my fault. I want to write her a letter to apologize, as we both communicate best through writing. In this draft, it seems like I’m talking entirely about me, but really, I’m trying to understand how she feels. I need to make edits obviously though lol.

If you are interested or good at writing / editing, I’d love to know where I can improve. There will be three posts as I am only allowed to add one photo at a time 🙄.

For the last five years, I’ve hated going to the dentist. This time is no different.

Here’s some background: I was born at 27 weeks gestation (13 weeks premature), and have a variety of dental issues.

At some point this summer, I have to get eight crowns in one day. The procedure is not an issue for me, it’s more the recovery and the fact that I won’t be able to eat for 4-6 hours as they will be crowning my mouth. For years, my mom told me that the plan was to crown all my teeth. I don’t know why but this devastates me.

My main concern is the pain afterwards. Every time I’ve had a crown, I’ve had some type of torture or another. My most recent one was just my bite being off, but my first one required a root canal, along with a ton of ibuprofen lol. This was with one tooth at a time, I cannot imagine how it will feel with eight.

Another concern is not eating for 5-6 hours. My mom said to just eat well beforehand but with LPR and a high metabolism, it can be difficult to go long periods without eating. Plus I’ll probably be super numb afterwards.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? If so, how did it go?

Ok, so it’s nothing super crazy considering my age and that this is a skill I should have mastered years ago, but I am honestly really surprised that I managed this today.

So my week started off terrible, my mom and I got into numerous arguments and my sister has been a moody mess most days. Today was similar; However, Instead of my mom and I getting into the argument, It was me and my dad. Here’s what happened.

It was a very hot day today, And my dad suggested getting Popsicles for everybody. The thing was, We had five dogs we had to watch, So my dad suggested my sister and I drive to the store and get them if he gave us the money. My sister was being lazy and refused to drive there (she’s always a moody person when it is hot out). I suggested driving there myself as I have my license and have watched my sister do it several times. My dad insisted I didn’t, and that if I did, I at least needed someone to go with me, as he doesn’t believe I’m a good driver or have the confidence or ability to drive on my own. I continuously told him that it will be fine and to just let me do it, and eventually, he caved. The second I got back, My dad said, “Oh, thank you. You did such a good job” (With the baby voice and all). The achievement: I drove to the store for the first time by myself.

Another big achievement from today: I ate the same food as my family, and didn’t give up on myself when I was slower than everyone else.

I normally eat the same food as my family, However, We tend to have different food preferences. Tonight we ordered pizza. My mom always assumes that I don’t like something simply because of an experience I had in the past. For example, She’ll say, “I know you don’t like pizza, you hardly ate it when we went to Domino’s two years ago…” like one experience does not define me lol. I’ve always struggled with pizza and other foods due to my prematurity and eating issues, but I did amazing tonight.

I ate a whole slice of pizza, And halfway through it, My uncle asked me to take his plate to the kitchen. In the process of doing that, I set my plate down on the edge of the table. My dad saw this and asked me, “Are you done with your food? I’ll eat it if you’re done.” This was very embarrassing to me because Everybody else had finished and they happen to take notice that I hadn’t. Often times I’ll get really mad, stop eating all together and give my plate to my dad, where he finishes it for me. Tonight, however, I was very calm and collected, And told my dad that I was not done, but just taking my uncle’s plate to the sink. I also did not give up on myself, and finished my entire plate (although it took me about another 30 minutes lol). I just thought I’d share these achievements because I know a lot of autistic people are doubted based on their food, preferences and driving ability.

Random topic.

I got my mom a Mother’s Day present on my own for the first time ever (well, the first time I went to the store in my area on my own and used my money to buy it). Big achievement for me, but what’s more important is how amazing this present is.

So I saw this palm pal online and somehow it just happened to be in stock at my local grocery store. I ended up buying it and it is so cute! I seriously cannot get over how cute it is lol.

But anyway, just wanted to share it. My mom said she didn’t want any candy for Mother’s Day, and to “just get something from the heart.” Inside the palm pal’s tag is a message that says, “You’re never too old to say I love you Mom!” I have a tendency to say it over and over again (sometimes to break awkward silences but other times because I truly mean it. Sometimes it annoys my mom how often I say it, but this plush will show her that it is truly genuine. It is so perfect, and a reminder that no matter how much we argue or disagree, I will always love her.

I seriously can’t decide. They all look amazing!

The title says it all, I am worried about my birthday this year.

I’ve always struggled with birthdays since I was a kid. My parents often joked about it, and always brought up my sensory and social issues. This year, however, I am worried for a completely different reason; Because of a traumatic experience that happened last year.

Last year, My grandfather passed away unexpectedly the day before my birthday. I was terrified when I heard the news, and my grief took a lot out of me. On my actual birthday, All I wanted to do was spend some time alone. This is something I always want on my birthday. For whatever reason, I like to be up first, and sneak downstairs to get some alone time before my parents and sister come down. I don’t know what it is, but I always feel super uncomfortable whenever anybody wishes me happy birthday first thing in the morning, especially if they whisper or excitedly shout it. Unfortunately, I can’t stop my family from wishing me happy birthday as it’s the normal thing to do.

Anyway, last year ended up being very traumatic as my mom and I grieve in two different ways. On the morning of my birthday, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had made plans in advance, but when the day actually came, I had no energy and no plan. This led me to waffle back-and-forth, as I can never make a decision. My mom ended up getting frustrated with me, and said that while it was my birthday, she was not going to do the back and forth thing with me. This left me feeling very mad, and just not myself. I ran upstairs crying. My dad came up to comfort me, where I cried to him about my grief, and he 100% understood, for he had just lost his dad, and also the last person in his family (His mom and brother died when I was younger). My birthday had its ups and downs, and ended with my mom yelling at me, my sister watching tv, and my dad planning the funeral for my grandfather. It was a very difficult day.

Later in the week, I asked a few questions regarding my birthday. I was curious about my presents, and if I would get to do a make up birthday since my original one didn’t go to plan. I completely asked these questions out of curiosity, not because I was demanding anything from my parents. My mom told me that I had an issue where I expect to receive everything on my birthday list, which was not true at all. She also mentioned how much money she and my dad had already spent on me, from going to the waterpark with my friend on the day my grandfather died, to the presents, they got me at the last minute on my birthday. They claimed to have spent over $1000. I never meant to come off as entitled, I still feel terrible about it.

This year, my parents said that I can do whatever I want, as it’s my birthday. They even suggested traveling, and going to a waterpark. I immediately said no, not only do I hate traveling, But I am not going to waste my parents money and feel ashamed all over again. I’ve made a budget for myself of under $250 for everything, I am not the entitled brat my parents assume I am.

However, I have no idea what I want to do. My birthday is in two weeks, and there are so many ideas that I have, but I can only choose a few. At the same time, I’m worried to do any of it, some of the reason being what happened last year, but also that my family wants to lose weight (minus me, as I was the preemie that everyone refers to as “the smallest one).” A lot of the things I want to do have to do with food. My family insists that they will not talk about dieting, but I just never know. I’m also trying to think of something to do with my best friend, he has special needs and cannot read or write, and like me, can be young for his age. He can also be very controlling and specific settings like arcades and water parks. I want to do something individually with him, but also do something with my family as well.

I literally have so many things I want to do, I just cannot decide. I’ve made the choice to wait until my birthday to decide what I want, that way I’m not waffling back and forth. Below is the list of everything I want to do. Most of the things are juvenile, or young for my age, but that’s just part of me being autistic lol.

List:

• Buy my birthday cake
• Go to a playground (with friend)
• Go to an arcade (with family)
• Go mini golfing (with either friend or family)
• Go to a candy shop
• Watch TV (preferably my baby shows lol)
• Go to a waterpark or indoor pool (if it’s not expensive)
• Go to an aquarium or indoor center

This is a lot of stuff, and obviously, I don’t plan on doing all of it. But I just don’t know what I want. I’m turning 20 years old, and my interests are those of a five-year-old. Is perfectly OK with me, I just never know how my family and friends are going to react.

Has anybody else felt this way?

So my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I have no idea what I want to do. My parents and sister are up for literally anything, and are even encouraging me to make a list of things I want to do. I have many mixed feelings about it.

The thing is, I want to celebrate my birthday. However, it’s been so hard for me the last few years. I’m not sure if this is an autism thing or not, but whenever somebody raises their voice or uses a specific tone with me, I get frustrated and it throws off my whole day. I’ve done better with this, but I’ve also pushed myself to be perfect whenever I’m around my family so that they don’t seem upset at me. My mom says it’s like walking on eggshells around me because she can’t say anything without me getting upset, little does she know I feel the exact same way about her, she has ADD and has a contradiction for everything I say. My birthday is the one time I can avoid this whole frustration thing.

Unfortunately, All I can think about is how awful my birthday was last year. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, but I had a very negative birthday because I found out that my grandfather had died the day before. The grief Left me with mixed feelings, my brain wanted to do everything I had planned for my birthday, but my body did not. I waffled back-and-forth, unable to decide what I wanted to do. That was when my mom got frustrated. She told me that while it was my birthday, she wasn’t going to put up with me doing the whole back-and-forth thing. I ended up getting really upset and the rest of the day was awful, as my mom and I continue to disagree over both our grief and our decisions.

This year, I am still in a big pickle, trying to figure out what to do. Obviously, I want to do everything I missed out on last year, but at the same time, I want to keep it cheap, As my mom and dad made a big deal about how much money was spent on my birthday last year (My best friend and I went to a waterpark the day my grandfather had passed, we were unaware of it at the time. We had a great time, But I was fixated on my mother’s behavior as she spent the whole time crying in a dark corner). Nobody told me anything about my grandfather until the next day. My parents also told me that they hadn’t got me any presents as they had had been so busy with my grandfather. I said this was completely fine, as I understood this took a lot out of them. They ended up throwing a bunch of stuff together last minute, and I was very confused. Later on, I was stupid enough to ask where my real presents were (Stupid question I know), and my parents were very stern, telling me that I had an issue where I was upset that I didn’t get everything on my list (This was not true at all, I was simply grieving and confused). They also continue to talk about how much money they spent on my friend and I (They mentioned our waterpark tickets were over $1000). I really wish they would’ve told me this sooner so that I wouldn’t have had to waste all their money.

My plan this year is to keep it simple. There is a lot of stuff I want to do, but I’m trying to keep my whole budget under $250. The thing is, I don’t know what I want to do yet. I have a tendency to want to do several things in one day. I just cannot make a decision. I love going to restaurants but have been ashamed to go recently as a few weeks ago, my mom and I were at a restaurant, and I apparently said something about wanting to eat six bowls of soup (as a joke), my mom knew this. After two bowls, the waiter took my bowl away because I hadn’t yet asked for another bowl (I have a tendency to go mute occasionally when it comes to asking for specific things). My mom noticed this and said firmly, “You kind of have to ask for another bowl of soup, he thinks you’re done.” That just made me more worried, and I refused to ask for anything else. Then when the check came, the waiter asked if we needed anything else, and my mom looked at me and asked loudly, “Do you want another soup?” I found this so annoying, and calmly made it clear to my mom that she needs to stop coddling me, and that if I want something, I will ask myself. If I don’t ask, I don’t receive. Anyway, I haven’t been too interested in going to restaurants since then. However, I have thought of some cheap things to do that. I really enjoy (I am very young for my age, and often times enjoy doing things that are intended for younger children, like going to the park and watching children’s TV shows).

I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I for sure want to get my own cake, Since I didn’t get my own last year due to my grandfather dying, and my parents, wanting to celebrate my grandmother and my grandfather together (My grandmother’s birthday was the day after he died). I also want to go to the park, Since my sister mentioned she wasn’t interested in going last year, but I love playing on the playground and do it even as an adult. My parents came up with the crazy idea to travel on my birthday, since I’ll be off for spring break, but I hate traveling and have no interest in going away from my hometown for my birthday. I’m still thinking about what I want.

Does anybody have any suggestions about activities / things to do that have no age limits and are cheap? There’s a lot of things I want to do that are young for my age but often there are age and height restrictions. I’ll be turning 20. I’m trying to think of things that are family friendly but also something that isn’t too expensive.

I’ve always been viewed as “the shy kid” or “the quiet kid” in school and home. However, I have been much more outgoing since about my junior year of high school, when my teachers began to bring out my voice through putting pressure on the whole class (for example, My English teacher always wanted students to talk, But we were pretty quiet students, So she would often say things like, “ This is your opportunity to share your opinions,” or “ Someone needs to answer this question, anyone at all!” That was what really got me to start speaking up. Plus, My mom pushed me on a lot of adult skills right after high school, Such as checking into doctors appointments and going back myself, Something I never would’ve been able to do had my mom not pushed me.

My dad has always nagged me to advocate for myself, and in social situations, would say, “It’s ok to talk you know.” He was that kid that was always shy, My mom said when she first started dating him, he would not talk at all and wouldn’t even look at her. He has barely any friends (His one good friend is in jail, And most of the people he talks to either don’t talk to him or live far away). He’s always nagging me to talk to people, and advocate for myself. As a kid, It was because it was one of my special education goals, but that’s over now that I’m in college. Now he and my mom both know that I interact with people, and am doing well in life.

However, I get really upset and unmotivated when my dad draws attention to my difficulties. He knows I talk, But he doesn’t fully believe that I interact and talk with other people. He tends to get really excited and surprised whenever I choose to do something outside of my comfort zone (For example, I really struggle with riding roller coasters because often times I get scared, so when I choose to ride one, He’ll get all surprised and say something like, “You actually want to ride this? Really, You’d do that?” And then afterwards, saying, “ You're a champion, I’m proud of you.”

Today I told my dad that I enjoy speaking in front of a crowd (I don’t enjoy group work or one on one conversations, but I love being in front of an audience and speaking. My dad told me that he wouldn’t have guessed this, But it was possible considering he likes to be “ The funny outgoing guy at work,” and my mom is a social Gemini. But this has nothing to do with genetics, but rather just what I enjoy doing. I love writing, I’m an English major in college. Writing is my life.

I told my dad that I will be presenting at My school’s expo in a few months, and said he was welcome to come watch me. I did this to him that I love speaking in front of a crowd. He again seemed really surprised, and he didn’t think I’d want to do something like this. However, him being surprised is making me less motivated to do this. I kind of relate this feeling as to When somebody selectively mute talks in front of someone for the first time, And the other person says “OMG, you talk?” It’s a bad comparison, but it’s all I could think of. My parents told me to be grateful that they care about me, and I absolutely am, I just feel so ashamed whenever people highlight my past issues.

Does anyone have any similar stories about feeling this way? I’d love to know.