Shirow

Hi everyone just wanted to share. I just lived my first pride!

I lived the pride as a volunteer. (I can see myself in the local journal - and I look exhausted to not say worse 😅)

My voice today is tired, and I feel like I have a hangover even if I didn't drink any alcohol. 😄

I helped decorate during the morning, helped selling merch before the march for the association who organised the pride.

During the march it was something festive and we protested for our rights in music and political speech. It was quite big considering how small we were compared to a big city. Lots of beautiful people too. Happy to see such a big community here.

First time too as a barmaid from 5pm to 2am (still volunteering), we barely had enough time to breath until 1 am.

Note to self : I should have never wore boots and nylon leggings for 17 hours, it started to hurt before the march. I never knew I could a have a blister on above a toe with the size of that said toe.

Anyway it was a sensory overload but it was awesome day. I would have loved seeing all the spectacles and drag shows, but I'm really glad I could help make this event successful.

Take care you beautiful people 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈, wishing you a happy pride month! And most importantly be yourselves!

Well, this has been a weird relationship. I fell in love with a trans woman married to a cis man.

I was asked to meet the husband and to try to befriend him to make it work. He was nice and did a lot of self-sacrifice for her and he is not a man who has questioned gender much.

The way I see it, once again it is my pov and I could be wrong.

I tried to be honest about a lot of my feelings, doubts things I've never made as much. Everytime I do share my feelings. Here about the fact it's hard for me to get closer to husband it backfired hard. Every I said is taken as a personal insult no matter how much I try to put emphasis on why I'm having a hard time to trust him and that could be a trouble I have trusting men because of probably my father who has abused my mother verbally a lot and physically once but also a lot of what abuse they cause.

The first thing that triggers me is that he is impulsive. And well there's a lot in the wording.

I'm probably trying to analyze a lot but when he says about "lgbtqia+ people can be whatever the fuck they want, I don't care." "If they made the choice to transition." To me it shows more of indifference or "tolerance" towards us rather than trying to understand and saying that transition is a choice is not my view. (Especially because I feel like mine was necessary or I would have become depressed more and more at best). It was multiple time that he said something that make me tick but since I can't give every moment that there is something that bothers me in his words. He feels targeted about only one thing he said and that is a personnal attack.

The second one is that he laughs at a type of old humour masculine that leaves me uncomfortable. Something from the 90's that wouldn't be broadcast today.

The third one is about him putting himself as a victim because of what I said and using what I said the single or two example as what he did "bad" and use these against me because he feels like I'm being harsh for only that. (Once again this is my pov). Yeah no my brain just didn't made a list of all the things that were problematic. I would feel that even if I did it would just be a reproach about me making a list anyway...

These don't help develop feelings toward him and I feel I just try to fit in a mold to be able to get love from that woman. And this part is the part where I'm sure to be wrong.

In the end I feel like the more I share my feeling, and it was hard to do so, the more I am made to understand that is a "me" problem because of my bias or trauma and I shouldn't inflict that on others. And when I don't share I'm the one in the wrong because I'm closeted.

Well their situation to both is complicated we all have our traumas and theirs are bigger than mine. (Not gonna detail that)

They lived horrible life before meeting each other and to be honest, from my pov, they seem dysfunctional together and co-dependant yet maybe this is a me bias because of my previous relationship.

As I have not much confidence and having a lot of fears of hurting people it's hard for me not try to analyze things and probably project my own interpretation of what I see and feel toward them.

I'm left with doubts, self loathing feeling as I tend to do so because I would rather be hurt than hurting, and I feel I'm just dysfunctional and this is only a personal problem.

We had a first argument about me sharing that I probably don't love him as much as the woman. And yes because we shared a lot more and there was more mutual understanding. But I've tried. I've tried... (Feeling angry now). I've been left with a second chance and that words makes me angry I feel like he tries to be a "good" person and he is the one doing good thing letting me in their lives.

I don't really know what to feel about that. I've ended up saying I'm not ready to keep this relationship on and it is my fault as that's were we left the discussion on. There was some qualities that he has (undeniably). But I'm not here to develop on that as I think this is a rant and way to put words on my feeling and maybe if someone has more insight that I do to just tell me. If I'm being totally stupid on this and that if this is just really me being... Me.. An overly fear projecting person that is, in the end being toxic toward people.

Well, I suppose it could be worse, never saw any tips or video on how to...

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/63271897

Hello everyone, I've felt like showing my face.

I've been happy with my hair color, my new glasses, my new dress (finally one that fits, I have 3 too small for me yet 🥲). Anyway I'm happier since HRT and feel better in body. The future looks less cloudy (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

In 2 days, 1st appointment for laser to get that beard removed, I'm excited.

Anyway, shoutout to Brooke and Nikki inspiring me to show my face, you girls rock!

Hope your week-end has been great and I'm gonna enjoy my week-off taking care of myself ☺️.

Hello everyone, I've felt like showing my face.

I've been happy with my hair color, my new glasses, my new dress (finally one that fits, I have 3 too small for me yet 🥲). Anyway I'm happier since HRT and feel better in body. The future looks less cloudy (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

In 2 days, 1st appointment for laser to get that beard removed, I'm excited.

Anyway, shoutout to Brooke and Nikki inspiring me to show my face, you girls rock!

Hope your week-end has been great and I'm gonna enjoy my week-off taking care of myself ☺️.

Well, I guess this is going a long post and I'm lost. I'm gonna see a therapist Monday.

Sorry if this post isn't really about transidentity but in a way, it has consequences in it.

So, I've been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 4 years. But yesterday, I said that I love her, yet I'm not sure I'm in love anymore. Not sure if this make sense. And I cried a lot.

I've been dreading this for a while. Thinking maybe it was temporary. And I feel like a piece of shit feeling this way.

I've been supporting her through depression, panics attacks, social anxiety and so on. And her love has always been unconditional she's has been through trauma. And I fought mine was too. I feel like I have been forgetting myself little by little in this story. I was depressed, almost a dropout (stayed in high school 5 years instead of 3, failed 3 years after in different universities) but still trying. At the end I was doing sports instead of going to university at some point to be able to feel better in a unhealthy way. And I guess I never really worked on myself, well I mean with a therapist.

That was before meeting her, after retaking first year studying English language and literature. I helped, and she helped me. Our relationship was a bit messy, we had trouble understanding each other. She wanted to be with me all the time and I needed too much personal space. And I had no clue of her own troubles and so did she.

We've grown fond of each other, she is my first girlfriend and only one. She's been studying in Ireland for a school year before Covid and I've waited for her and visited her there. That's where she was sure she wanted to mary me ( she bought an engagement ring there).

I had always not a great view of mariage since I have seen a dysfunctional mariage exemple : my parents staying with each other because of duty, while her parents are happy with each other now even thought they had hardships (an affair).

Little by little I felt I've sacrificed my needs to help her. And I suppose that what love is about trying to help each other. Be there for the other. I guess I am starting to fail. I have taken a vow and today I feel like I broke it.

I don't know what to think of it.

I'm just selfish? I feel like I've been missing out of so many things I wanted to do but couldn't to be there for her. Then again maybe is it me trying to pin that on our relationship or my lack of communication? I am having an identity crisis? Is this self-sabotage? Do I just want to blame my own problem on our relationship?

Ever since I have transitioned this feeling seems bigger. She accepted it quite quickly and have been a real supporter. "Edit" : i meant for my transition not about the feeling. Didn't caught that before >.<

During yesterday talk, my wife asked me if this was because of the hormones? I hate this argument. To me that can't be the point.

She went back to her parents yesterday for now. We are not "in bad terms" but this is a really hard time.

I have tried so many times to communicate. We've ended up arguing leaving me mostly unable to express myself because I'm having a real trouble to express myself when emotionnal. I would blurt things that would be make things worse because of a poor choice of word. I've always end up feeling like I was selfish and the fact that when she was reproaching me some things would make me cry would make her feel always like the bad guy. We could solve some things but it has always been hard.

I remember her asking me if I really loved her if I was asking for some distance? ( not specific to yesterday)

Don't get me wrong I love her for sure. She is a wonderful person and all I want is her happiness.

Today, I don't know what to think of it and it's hard to describe 8 years in a few sentence especially with just my pov. Do any of you have more insight, some question I can ask myself? Something to think about before my therapy session? Yep, once again it's hard to organise my thoughts when everything is a mess.

Well, for starters it was more a volonteer work for the local trans association. But I went out with a dress and thights and well I only had "Converse" for shoes but I feel it was looking good with the outfit.

I had make-up on trying to hide my leftover beard, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow and eye liner. My wife helped for the face part.

I went out like this. I was really stressed but it felt good after a while. I was conforted that I was going to a really small cinema that was running a lgbtqia+ movie and 2 other local allied association was there. I ran an information stand and we were selling small goodies with a member or the association.

I felt a bit stupid when people were asking my name and was giving my deadname since I haven't decided yet for a name.

Anyway felt good to be with other queer or allies. Also people feel I look younger than I really am ( yay! ☺️)

Most likely I will probably only dress full female when going to events with the association. I wouldn't feel safe enough otherwise.

This post was more about sharing this experience. Hope your day has been good!

Okay so, it's been almost two month on hrt and I'm happy genuinely. There are some moments when I'm down or not feeling well, some dysphoria but damn that worth it. I feel like my emotion are not as much bottled up.

I've been laughing more easily and didn't know I could feel dizzy because of laughter.

I've had a euphoria moment that lasted hours and it felt like something I've never felt in a long long time like as a child or teenage year when I loved playing video games.

Even knowing that I cry more easily is a good thing. To let out my own feelings.

Just wanted to share some positivity. Since I tend to focus on the other side usually.

Okay, so It's my first post. I don't know if this count as NSFW but just in case I'll put a spoiler.

I feel foolish.