Asklemmy

It kinda depends.

Men can be incredibly intimate friends, sharing everything, having deep emotional bonds, and doing so in complete stereotype breaking ways like not making jokes of things, or playing it off, and being fully present and supportive directly.

It is not, however, the most common way men express friendship. Like, I've had male friends that would be ready to kill someone with me, but wouldn't even think to offer a hug. I'm not even exaggerating, I had a bad breakup once, and a very good friend watched me cry, and asked me if I wanted to go kill her. He wasn't joking, he said he knew a place we could bury her where nobody could find it, dead faced serious.

Which, tbh, did shock me out of crying.

But you'd be surprised how supportive men can be. Most of my friends over the years were not afraid to hug, to listen, and talk. It isn't all blank faces and pats on the back

Then again, I tend to develop friendships slowly and value people that are emotionally open.

I'm not knocking the kind of friends that will give you a listen, offer you a beer, and then take you into the game room to blow up digital enemies. Or the ones that'll get you drunk and let you cry it out that way. Or any other expression of support. Because a lot of men, that's the kind of support they actually want, and some need.

See, there's a certain degree of the whole stereotype of men not wanting to show emotion that isn't just patriarchal bullshit. There's still a connection to that, but it isn't the only reason we stay as self contained as possible. Sometimes, if you let shit out at the wrong time, in the wrong way, it gets out of control. So having a buddy that's going to stay calm and by doing so help you keep your shit together as you process in a healthier way, that's as valuable as someone that'll hug you and let you fall apart.

A lot of men, they're also going to be your biggest hype man. The same dude that will stone faced listen and then pat you on the arm can be the one that tells you you're a fucking boss, so don't put up with that shit job, he knows a guy that can recognize your potential, or will drive your ass around town finding a better job, or give you a couch to crash on while you're broke in between jobs.

The expression of friendship may not always look intimate, and it may not fit the definition of it being based on communication of personal thoughts and feelings. But sometimes you don't need that kind of expression because you just get each other and words would devalue the connection.

Me? I'm a lucky motherfucker. My best friend is one of those guys that can do it all. His husband is pretty much the same, and also someone that'll wrap you up in his arms and hold you up when you're falling apart, and they've both done that for me. The guys from my support group are also the kind of friends that if you call one of them, all five of them show up on your porch ready to get you through whatever it is.

I try to be a good friend to all of them too. I would literally kill for my best friend and his husband. No doubt, no hesitation, there would be bodies on the ground if anyone ever goes after them. Last time someone laid a hand on my friend, it didn't end well for them as it was. I'm also willing to drive my ass across three counties in the middle of the night when someone is in crisis, just like they are.

Men can be very intimate, in ways you wouldn't expect. The key is to accept them as they are, and to recognize their expression of intimacy, friendship and love. You do that, and as long as they're a decent person, you'll be fine.

The younger guys are usually better at the emotional openness than us guys from gen-x and earlier, but there's never been a complete lack of that kind of intimacy from men, it was just rarer. But us old farts have learned too. My dad is much more of an emotional connection to his friends and family than he was twenty years ago. But, there's the flip side that some of the younger guys push the emotional intimacy too much, they treat it as a kind of mandatory thing rather than as something offered freely.

You asked about men, so that's where I'm leaving it, without comparing it to women, but there are differences there, as well as similarities.