You can’t show any emotion at all about what happened to you. People don’t want you to exist. People want to say call 988 because it lets them pretend you don’t exist.

All I have ever wanted is for someone to say, “yes. You were sexually abused. We stood by and did nothing. You told us. You made it clear. And instead of helping you, we let people punish you. We let your mother put you in hospitals to drug you. We let her send you to hypnotists to try to convince you you were raped by the only person who made you feel safe, because she was still angry about the divorce.”

Being hurt and tortured makes you an unperson. If I do end up offing myself, everyone will pretend they cared. But they won’t help me eat today, they won’t help me find a job, they won’t give me a hug.

It’s like the herd knows when a parent has rejected its offspring, and all agrees to make the same choice.