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I don't even want to know the answer because it'll be less entertaining than lemmy's collective imagination.
As for the question: I think your biggest problem is going to be inducing a proper clearout shortly before you go on your trip. Maybe laxatives?
Edit: I just realized, is the reason you don't want to go despite having toiles available stuff like hemorrhoids or an anal fissure? Because if so, there are creams for that my friend.
If you make it to wherever you're going, please let us know the story!
hold it in
Mysterious post indeed. Yet, it's the asking of such an intimate, specific question in the most open of spaces what I find truly fascinating 😶
Leading up go on an mostly liquid diet. Diet shakes would probably do it. And just don't eat solid food. This, BTW, is going to suck when it's over as you'll feel like you need your bowel disimpacted. But it is possible.
Just use the MRE's you've no doubt been issued for beast week and stop complaining. Also hide your phone trainee, the MTI's are coming.
The important first step is preparation. You need to clean the pipes. There should be nothing left inside you before you commence on the trip. So take some laxatives and do some cleaning. After you’re thoroughly pristine you must only consume a clear liquid diet, so clear juices and soft drinks (make sure you consume the full sugar version because that’s how you’ll get your energy). Take a multivitamin each day. On the second or third day take an Imodium, this is likely overkill but you won’t poop. Return to a normal diet on the third day but do so gradually over the course of a day or two. I cannot guarantee that this method will not damage your health and the risk will likely be greater if you have other health conditions, but you wont poop sooo.
Avoid fiber like a plague, already
So no to popular fruits and vegetables, no carrots, beets, strawberry, apples
Hmm but also it would be good to actually poop last day before hike so maybe take some pills for that day before for a huge splasshh bbbrrrr
When you return expect to give birth to a shitman
Imodium
If it's only for 3 days you need nothing unless you get diarrhea.
Do you need energy? So there's something called the pineapple diet (please ask your doctor first) where you eat pineapple for three days to lose weight. Biggest problem here is the spam, so I guess you'd have to use some sort of food that can be rehydrated like soylent.
Could you give us an update after your.... endeavours... how it went?