ADHD

Hey man, I am 33 and I feel like I wasted lots of years not being social, during Uni for example, not living my life enough due to low confidence and social anxiety, now my friends have their kids, married for a while etc, while I do have my career at a good place I can relate to your feelings.

First of all, stop comparing yourself to others, nothing ever good comes out of that, you can look at them for motivation, ask them for advice how to achieve something, but stop comparing yourself, everyone goes at their own pace.

I also had terrible anxiety during Uni, leaving everything to last minute, major anxiety during finals, barely got through it, but do you know what we call medical students who finish last in their class? Doctor. University is nothing, you know basically nothing after finish it, for most things it makes 0 difference whether you finish it with a B+ average or a D-, no one has ever asked me what grades I got in Uni (though I am in software development so YMMV).

Second of all have you considered not finishing Uni at all? Plenty of well paying jobs out there, something that might even make you happy. Trade jobs. Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy of having finish something because you already invested so much time and effort into it.

And lastly, get in touch with a professional, whatever you are going through is temporary, life is awesome, but short, focus on the positives, don't waste it worrying about meaningless shit like degrees and status and how others are doing, you do you mate.

If you're like me, the literal only people that will tell you that you need a degree are your parents.

I also studied for 4 years and was still in the first semester at the end of it. I just stopped trying. Now I'm a self-taught programmer.

I can tell you with my whole heart: "success" is completely and utterly irrelevant. If you have enough to live, you have already "won". Most other people would disagree with this. But there's so much free or almost free stuff to do that you can literally fill your whole life with it and never run out. Everything else is, even though it's very clichéd, a mindset issue. It is possible to be happy with very very little.

I don't know anything about your life, but if I have one advice it is this: figure out which of your beliefs come from within you or come from other people. Do you actually believe a degree is necessary? Or have other people instilled in you the sense that a degree is necessary? Is earning lots of money actually important? Or is that just what other people think is important and you copied?

Also get therapy help if you can.

If it makes you feel any better, I have a degree in journalism and I graduated in 2008.

I've never used it. 4 years of college and tens of thousands down the drain for no discernible reason, only to graduate in the worst recession in a century and subsequently never getting hired in my field.

To add insult to injury, the few peers I know who did "make it" are working terrible hours, weekends, ... and they make peanuts. So maybe my failing was a blessing in disguise? It might be the same way for you.

I also felt bad about it for a while. I'm a scientist by heart, 100 %, and I knew I had the intellect to get a degree. I thought the reason why I didn't anyway was because I was also some kind of assclown.

Fortunately, my degree attempt coincided with a useful obsession, for a change: My old programming hobby. The obsession ended like all the others, but the knowledge that stuck from going 14 hours per day was enough to get food on the table for decades to come.

It's just now that I realise I never was an assclown, and I never "decided" to quit my degree. It was ADHD, and I never stood a chance, not with "discipline" or just "deciding" alone. Knowing it, with treatment plus self-acquired methods & tricks, it would have been an option back then, and maybe I'll go for it again, if time allows.

Pushing yourself is good, but it needs to be a "relative" push based on your ability. Could be 5 hours of hard studying / cleaning / whatever for some. For others, or the same person on a different day, getting one bag of garbage and filling it, or studying 25 minutes is already the best.

Your post is a good start to collect ideas for moving forward, at your own pace. It won't be easy, but your situation is objectively not as bad as it feels to you. Maybe it can be a small step towards improving your condition?

College doesn't define who you are. Unfortunately, when you finish it, you'll find yourself suicidal over something else next:-(. So whatever you do about the college situation, make sure to start taking care of yourself. You have worthwhile qualities: open your eyes to accepting those and valuing who you are (whether your parents ever see it or not).

I didn't even start uni until I was 27. Now I'm 42 and can say that I have no regrets about going, even though I was older than a fair amount of my classmates.

You will always regret not going. You will never regret attending.

Whenever you decide to, that will be the right time.

I don't have any real advice, other than to try to see a psych if you can (it takes a lot of the burden off if you get medicated and therapy - not all, but a lot) but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone here. I spent my 20s in much the same way - spending... more time than I care to admit getting mediocre grades in college and fighting my mental health every step of the way. Always felt like a failure, like I wasted my potential. Hell, I still feel that.

Spent most of my 20s living with my grandparents and loathing myself. Didn't get out until the tail-end of my 20s, and even that was half-luck. Getting out... helped. I still struggled with depression and suicide, but a lot of self-recrimination ended once I had some manner of independence. And hell, I never held down a steady job through all of my 20s. You aren't alone. It's not some exceptional failing of you or your character. And it's not hopeless. I hope (ha) that doesn't sound too patronizing. It's hard to tack between acknowledging the seriousness of your issue and your struggle while trying to emphasize that triumph is still possible.

Guess all I can really say is, as a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, suicide is... not as appealing as it might first seem in the heat of the moment.

Hey dude. I’m glad you made this post. Suicidal ideation is a big fucking deal, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If there is any possible way to pull it off, I highly recommend seeking help like the other comments mention. Not just for the depression, but for the ADHD. Are you treating the ADHD? Do you have a formal diagnosis? I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 39… and it was a fucking game changer when I started treating it.

You said you’re still living with your parents. I would presume that your relationship with them is decent then? If you’re 29 and they’re letting you live at home (even if they charge some sort of rent), they are likely concerned for your wellbeing regardless of the state of the relationship. It’s completely ok to lean on them for emotional support. Nobody gets through life without a support system of some kind. Literally no one makes it without help somewhere along the way from someone. I’d be willing to bet your parents are dying to help you right now even if they don’t know how.

The thing with suicide is it’s permanent. Everyone knows that intellectually, but sometimes the need to stop the pain overwhelms the finality of it all. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And once it’s done, there is no going back. And what makes this bad situation worse is that your loved ones will be left to pick up the pieces. My partner had someone very close to her commit suicide about 14 years ago. She has been saddled with severe PTSD from that and will have to carry it with her for the rest of her life. I don’t mention this to make you feel worse or make you feel bad for being suicidal, but to try to hit home that we don’t live our lives in isolation, and our actions have consequences for those around us.

Now the school thing? Don’t sweat it. School isn’t for everyone. Sometimes in life we try to force ourselves into boxes other people construct for us (or boxes we think other people have constructed for us). The fact of the matter is that we get to fashion the yardstick our success is measured with. So you’re 29 years old, haven’t finished college, work at Walmart, and live at home with your parents. So fucking what? That’s what the situation is. You’re probably not happy about it, but there might be reasons why school isn’t working that are greater than simply ADHD. Maybe you were studying the wrong thing. Maybe college isn’t what you need to be doing. There are more and more fields out there that can earn a decent living without a college degree. Work at Walmart and hate it? Look into a job at Lowe’s. Retail sucks… maybe look into a job at some local distribution center for some big business (I can think of two different regional distribution centers for different companies where I live…). My point is, if it’s not working, consider a different path. Talk about this with your parents too. If they can’t help a whole bunch with the mental heath bit (regardless of how much they might want to), they will probably be much more able to help in this realm if by no other way than ideas for alternative pathways.

Anyway… I hope things improve for you dude. You’ll be in my thoughts.

Maybe you just don't like that shit? I tried a degree but it was so boring that I bailed.

Did some jobs. Worked in a kitchen. Started as a dishwasher, then I became the one who made the salads, then I was the person who managed a food truck for the restaurant then I left because it became boring.

Then I worked at a event firm. I taught people how to use a bow while never having shot a bow in my life. And did a whole bunch of other stuff.

The last thing I did was becoming someone who writes code. Now i am searching for a job as coder. I do that until I get bored and do something else.

My point is that not everybody is made for the "do this one thing you whole life"-thing. And if I would try to force it I would be thinking about killing myself daily. Trust me, I tried.

Maybe that shit isn't your thing and you are wasting your time because you try to force something you just don't want to do.

There is no shame in working in retail if you like it. If you don't like it, try something else until you find something you like. And if, someday, that bores you, do something else.

There is no shame in not "finishing" something. But you should never stagnate. Always keep moving. In which direction is not that important.

And I know that is not easy. But it is you life and if you really want to kill yourself... Well that gives you the freedom to try stuff that scares you. Nothing to lose because you are already dead.

I went and dropped out of college 4 times. never was sure of what I wanted to do until the last time. There was a for-profit college in there that racked up large student debts. Then the great recession happened and I lost a good job and felt like a complete failure with no hope. Exactly your age now. No job, no degree, no path in life.

I spent the next 5 years with no direction. Working any freelance job I could find. These were the lowest times in my life because I was now in my 30s with no career prospects and no degree. It wasn't until I was 33 and I figured something to focus on, went back to college while developing my skills and working in the field. Had made it to the final year and at the same time the small startup I was "volunteering" my time for years in started to grow and I had a child. Thought I could do it all but I couldn't and dropped out for the final and 4th time.

Discovered then that all those years relying and depending on a college degree to prove who I was , was pointless, wasted time. I was intelligent enough and motivated to keep taking steps forward, no matter how small, even when I didn't have a clue what I was walking towards. College can help some people focus and reach their goals but we are all different and have different paths. It was formally unheard of to make a high paying career without school, now even high tech companies ignore it for the right person. I didn't know what I wanted to do at all until one day I knew. You just can't give up.

Believe me when I say there is still time. I'm 16 years older than you and I just bought my first home 2 years ago. Take small steps for now. Don't wait on school to help you finish something, you can start and finish on your own. There are enough materials out there freely that will help. When my life felt the most worthless I figured I might as well do something nice for others so I volunteered designing websites for charities. Find something positive to put into your life and it will help you through these dark times.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. A therapist can help with that if you feel up to it.

My dad went to several schools and dropped out of them after high school. It took 8 years in the military and meeting my mom, who encouraged him, for him to graduate. He ended up graduating from an Ivy league school with a degree in chemical engineering. He was 34 when he graduated, and had a kid the same year.

It is possible if it is something you want. Medication for your ADHD and depression can help. Talk to your doctor and don't get discouraged if the first thing you try isn't the right fit. Finding the right meds at the right dosage can take some time. If you want to go back to school, look into what is available for students with disabilities. You may need to get some testing done, depending on policies, to get some extra help at school. Where I live I qualified for extra time and a separate room free from distractions to take tests.

Motivation is hard when you are depressed, and ADHD just makes it even harder. It sucks, and it will be a struggle, but you can do it. Don't forget to breathe. 💙

Why do you need a degree?

You can do well without one, maybe shift to looking at a career that doesn’t require one and suits what you want to do.

To put it bluntly, it sounds like you’re wasting time looking back at this point, rather than looking at what you can do from your current position.

I’ve been in a similar position and made good progress since I had a mindset shift, trying to let go of the regrets and focus on the small things I can do now instead.

Don't waste any more years; but stick around: you might be needed some time.

I presume your parents still love you. If so, don't make them sad.

After 2 Years of ritalin, those kind of regrets and feelings subside, and I had them all my life.

I guess my perception of self worth changed.

I tried to be successfull, because i didnt know what it felt like to feel good about myself.

It's a thing like learning the guitar, being really giid at it, but you don't have to show it to your frineds, you just do it for yourself.

So, that with the guitar happened to me.

The first thing is to get rid of depression. In my case, i tried lots of things. lots and lots.

I always hoped:

"I do the thing X, AND THEN I'LL BE SUCCESSFULL, from then on, i will function like other people!"

But that was never ever the case.

Only thing that helped was ritalin, and learning to let it all go, slowly, you will fuind things you are good at.

In my case, I started with my adhd diagnosis. then i got good at selling car parts and playing the guitar. dropped the car parts thing though, i am outstandingly good at it, but still not able to deal with people.

oh, i guess i was suicidal for twenty years... on and off.

It's not the end of the world. I'm 28 and starting to get my shit back together. No idea when I'll finish my degree, but third time I'm NOT giving up. And yeah, I have ADHD too.

Tell us, what are you good at? What are you interested in? What do you want to achieve in life?

Are you getting treated for your ADHD and depression?

I understand you, it's hard to tolerate your own brain not wanting to give you the motivation you think you need.

In my case, it helps to write down everything I need to do to accomplish my goal in individual simple tasks and then focusing in the ONE SIMPLE IMMEDIATE THING I need to do in order to do the next one.

Please don't push you too hard, we live in difficult times and struggling is normal, I believe the conditions will improve in the near future.

Drag your ass to technical or telecoms school. Learn these systems or become a tradesman. Electricians make bank.

Dont stress over not having a degree. I have one and honestly it didn't prove anything to myself, make it a better person or any of that. I'm still paying for it. Looking back those were some of my most miserable years failing to fit in too socially. I followed some arbitrary rules and passed some classes. Guess what. It took me 7 years too. By my last year I hated my degree program and just finished because I was already in so deep. Don't let that peice of paper and societal rubber stamp make you feel like a failure. Often times I regret going to college, since honestly it wasn't a happy period for me and how I've been paying for it for 10 years now. My job I really enjoy didn't require it and I have never used my major from my degree once. I am much happier now past that part of my life and I say this with all honesty I am glad to do be here. There are so many possibilities out there. Please don't give up. A final solution to life's endless possibilities is such a tragedy Please keep going. You can do this. Seek help in therapy, friends and family. Find out what makes you happy. You got this.

I ran out of money during college. No matter the problem, you can overcome any college mishap except a lack of money. So off I went.

There's a 6-month stretch after getting laid-off in 2006 where I only worked one job. I was sick a lot and didn't feel like ratcheting the grind back up.

Every other day since leaving college almost 30 years ago I've been working in IT with no degree. For the last 20 it's been some changing day-job and the same side-hustle for vacation money.

I will allow that the challenge to find a new primary job is sometimes hampered by my lack of a degree, but I've realized I do much better at the shops who just want to see you work.

NOT getting the degree gives you an extra challenge. I don't know that it's significant, though.

If it helps at all Im not sure I could go to college if I was young today. Boomers were pretty much the peak and its been worse since. Heck even young boomers had it a bit worse than the older ones. Basically the sweet spot was just missing out on the great depression. I would give advice if I had some idea of what you where trying to get a degree in or your preferences of study. I know there are fields that would be doable for me and some that are not. Try to get an associates and certs if you can or look into whatever might get you in on the trades.