Asklemmy

Watch Princess Bride. Perfect that "as you wish". With genuine sincerity.

Perfect. You've had a fun movie experience (Inconceivable!) and you now know the perfect way to respond to someone who has asked you or corrected you regarding pronouns.

From what I've seen so far pronouns are never in question irl although the circles I'm in there are not into that topic and online everyone who sees it as important has their own somewhere in their status or bio or whatever.

I don’t tell people my pronouns. I’m male. I look male. I act male.

I appreciate when people are questionable or want to use different pronouns tell.

I equally appreciate when people don’t ask mine.

Personally, I use they/them until told otherwise. It makes sure I don't offend anyone that way.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Use what you think is appropriate. If you're unsure, use they/them; if they correct you, adjust accordingly. If you want to be most accommodating, default to they/them for everyone you meet unless they correct you or you learn otherwise. If you'd like others to feel more comfortable providing pronouns, providing your own - even if you believe it is obvious - can be a way to help normalize it for others.

Putting them in your profile as a cis person really helps normalize it. So if you want to take another step into ally-dom add em in places like zoom meetings etc.

I think at some point language as a whole will shift. Most languages have had a concept of masculine/feminine and differentiating between genders for most if not all of their history. This seems pretty weird as a concept in modern times since it serves no real benefit. If we were to develop a language from scratch today I don’t think it would have such features.

Its going to take a pretty long time (hundreds of years) but language is constantly evolving. I think it will get there. In the meantime things are going to remain at least a little confusing.

I have a few transgender friends and its still a bit if a mental hurdle to see them as who they want to be identified as sometimes. I sometimes slip up and will call them by their old name or use the wrong pronoun. It’s never intentional of course, but sometimes my mental auto-correct isn’t working at full capacity. If I meet the person post-transition then its never really a problem as I always see them as that gender.

I’m just a straight male. Are my pronouns he/him?

If you want them to be.

Is that how I should tell people? Do you actually tell them as you meet them ? Do I have to wait for a certain social cue ?

A decent social cue to use would be if someone has mistakenly used one of the 'default' pronouns (he/him or she/her). Just be polite and understanding about it.

And about respecting other people’s pronouns. How do i figure them out ? Is it a big faux pas if I don’t before I know them ? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?

You don't know what you don't know. The only people who would give you shit before you could have reasonably known would be, frankly, someone looking for drama/a fight. Treat those people accordingly.

I’ve never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?

It is worth keeping in mind that we are talking about a relatively small crowd of people that identify as non-binary or use non-standard pronouns. It is pushed mainly because it prevents exclusion for these people and honestly it costs nothing anyway.

It's also handy for the trans crowd, as although they may use standard pronouns, they might not be the ones they currently appear as.

Pronouns are just your preference for what you should be referred to. If you don't provide them people will assume. The logic is that if only people who want to use specific pronouns suggest them, you are essentially outing yourself so even if you associate with your birth pronouns, it's polite to present them so it's less awkward for others.

The actual use is more awkward. The expected use is that you use it when the person in question is discussed but a pronoun isn't really used unless that person is not around so again it seems to just be a polite way to present yourself.

For added context a good use case of announcing pronouns would be a research paper where someone would be described to another person Edit: Ive been made aware about another obvious use case. Talking to people online where you might not have a way to identify any other way

Honestly, just try and avoid aggressively using gendered pronouns as the default. It's not the end of the world if you do, but if you just stick with using they/them and names until you've had a chance to pick up on the social cues, you'll be fine. And if it's in a situation where no one knows anyone else, and where the social cues aren't giving you the answer, then yeah, that's the time to lead with your name and pronouns.

But none of it's a big issue. Trans folk feel it when you get it wrong. We notice, but we also understand that sometimes mistakes happen, especially in a society that has taught everyone to associate pronouns and assumed gender. What's important isn't that you get it right every time, what's important is that you pay attention when you get it wrong, and do your best to get it right from then on.

People will sometimes introduce themselves with pronouns, or sometimes wear little badges with them.

There are definitely people IRL who don't use the pronouns one might guess by looking at them. I haven't met many (any?) people who go by neopronouns, but they are around the Internet.

You can often just guess pronouns for people, but if you can't read the gender someone is presenting (is your new friend rocking a kilt, sports bra, and enormous beard?) it might be polite to ask, and/or to use "they" until you get the right one.

You don't have to want people to call you he/him just because you are a man. But he/him is overwhelmingly popular with men, so it's a fine choice.

If there is a field for pronouns, and you want people to know yours instead of them having to guess, you should put yours in there. The other reason to put pronouns in, even if people are likely to guess right, is to exercise the field for the people who often get guessed wrong.

If I've never heard anyone else use a specific pronoun for someone new or I otherwise don't know, I try to use they/them. Otherwise I use what others do.

And if someone does let you know that a person/themselves prefer a specific one, always say thanks (you can't be sorry for something you didn't know!) and do your best to remember for next time.

I also try to use genderless terms like "folks" or just "everyone" instead of "guys"

If I’m asked then I say my pronoun is his royal highness.

I call others by their cis gender unless either it’s obvious like wearing a dress or corrected. People can choose how they want to be addressed but shouldn’t expect me to know lol.

One extra note on using they them when you don’t know: No, I’m going to assume that the person is not in the 2% of people that look like one gender and aren’t.

You can normalize preferred pronouns by declaring them when you introduce yourself. Eg. I’m Barry and my pronouns are he/him. That’s being a good ally.

If you get someone’s pronoun wrong, it’s no big deal as long as you don’t keep pushing it. They can correct you and you should just use their pronoun after. The most important thing is to use the correct pronoun once told.

You can also ask if a person you have just met has preferred pronouns.