Can't take being misgendered and harassed. He/himed. People starting arguments over their own intolerance and blaming the arguments on drag. Banned from trans communities on blahaj and then unbanned but the unban didn't federate, so don't know where to post this. In so much pain. Hopes this post won't lead to more pain. What do you do when nobody will believe you're hurt, and every time you scream out in pain, you're accused of having an agenda? What kind of agenda is just not wanting to be harassed anymore? They think they're winning when they fill a thread with drama and then complain about all the drama. They think they're doing something right? How do you tell people you're honestly suffering and have them believe you?

self-harm thoughts

Do you just cut your skin open and show it to them? Is that how you convince them that they're causing you pain? HOW? How the fuck do you convince them that your pain isn't a trick?

They tell you to block them while they misgender you and tell the whole world you're the devil. "Just ignore everything I'm doing to hurt you and you'll be okay". It doesn't make any sense but they think it's right. They could choose to disengage this very minute but they don't. They think harassment and misgendering is a crusade of justice. That hurting people is a moral good, but oh no, don't you dare claim you're hurt when I hurt you.

How the fuck do you post your tears on lemmy?

all 30 comments

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[–] Cattypat@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Answer: I understand your pain, but also no one on Lemmy is qualified to help you in any way. Get off the internet. When using Lemmy is not serving you, dont come back to Lemmy expecting it to suddenly serve you.

[+] MotorCade93@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 day ago (1 children)

[removed by mod]

[–] dragonfucker -5 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Okay please help. Drag wants help

[–] Neptr@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The best thing you can do is find a therapist that specializes with genderqueer people. Also, get a good psychiatrist and start finding the medicine that works for you. Find professionals who value your opinion and give them a good idea of your symptoms.

If you can't afford healthcare, find see if there are any local lower-income therapists, or look for free resources through the internet like a "self-harm hotline". Look for lgbtq groups, preferably local but online is good too. Build a safety social safety net.

Please stay safe! I maybe a random person, but to me you are my internet neighbor. I like to see my neighbors in good health.

[–] dragonfucker 0 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Drag has a therapist and she's wonderful and drag doesn't even have to pay to see her. She helps a lot every time drag sees her. But she can't make harassment or misgendering go away. She can help drag deal with it. She can help drag not self harm about it. But she can't take the pain away. A therapist can heal you, but they can't protect you. That's two different things. That's like expecting a surgeon to make it so you didn't get stabbed with a knife in an alley. You're still stabbed and still in pain. A surgeon just makes it so you won't die from the stabbing. A therapist is the same. Drag's therapist is making sure drag doesn't die from the harassment, not erasing it. But drag would really like to be protected from it so that drag doesn't have to go through all this pain.

[–] Neptr@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

My comment advice was just what has personal helped me deal with SH ideations. I don't know a way to stop bigotry. It hurts to be invalidated and othered. I recommend building a stronger emotional buffer, do things that bring you satisfaction. I wouldn't be able to deal with existing if it wasn't for my hobbies. I have terrible self-esteem, so i find that doing things that make me feel intelligent, or self-confident, decrease the risk of getting super drained and SHing.

[–] dragonfucker -1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Drag has a frustration, even here in this community, with how problems get medicalised. A person is misgendered and harassed, and everyone says "get help", and they clearly mean "see a doctor", as if doctors are the only kind of help that exists. Everyone wants to talk about therapy and counselling.

It's... gross. If someone is attacked, the problem isn't their reaction. Being a victim of online violence isn't a disease. It doesn't mean something is wrong with the victim. The problem is with the one doing the harassing. But all anyone can talk about is what the victim should do. Not what the attacker should do. That's not right.

Drag told drag's friends about this thread and they didn't like it any more than drag did.

Recommending medical help is good and does have its place. But drag hates when it's used as a thought-terminating cliche. "We told the hurt person to go see a doctor. Welp, that's everything that can be done. This conversation is over now. The therapist will magic away all the pain and we can ignore it now."

[–] Neptr@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) (1 children)

My initial comment was directly responding to you asking for help. Since I don't know any better way to help you I went to advice. My intention was share to the basics of what helped me regain some stability in my life, whereas I think I came across as cold/fake. I wasn't trying to minimize or suggest that you are supposed to be "fixed", I wanted to make sure I covered all bases for what I thought were impactful when experiencing anxiety/depression/abuse. I mentioned hobbies, friends, social safety net, online or local resources, groups, and professional.

I was working under the assumption that you had no resources because I thought it would be the best way to respond quickly without waiting to ask questions like "do you have a therapist?" I get that it is annoying to get the similar redundant advice. I didn't read the full comment section because my anxiety started spiking. I am sorry that I contributed to that.

The way I deal with abuse is to harden my shell and make sure to reduce any chances of getting hurt. Avoidance to the max. I sucks to feel hurt, but it is impossible to avoid it all.

My words were sincerely my attempt at advice. What drove me to respond in the first place was reading the spoilered-out intrusive thought. I literally went, "how am I reading my own intrusive thought from someone else entirely?"

[–] dragonfucker -1 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 13 hours ago)

Sorry for stressing you out. Drag didn't mean to imply you were a bad example of that. Drag was pretty triggered after the initial "get help" comment. That one wasn't helpful to anyone, while drag thinks there's a good chance your comment will be seen by someone who does need to see it. Drag chose to respond to that initial comment broadly and refuse to acknowledge the implied specificity, but drag supposes most people don't take words literally enough to see what drag was doing. All they could see was the subtext that drag was choosing to ignore.

Feels nice to be told you feel the same way about people in online spaces perceiving your pain. It's awful. Call someone a troll, and you can pretend their every gasp and sob is manipulation. You don't have to care about the consequences of your actions. Causing pain is good. Fuck that thinking. It's one of the reasons why drag doesn't really believe in trolls. Drag's seen the belief in trolls turn people into monsters. Drag will leave drag's empathy on, even if it gets drag hurt, because hurting an innocent person is worse.

[–] TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 day ago (3 children)

We aren't qualified or capable of helping you, as we are lemmy users, not people with the training and distance necessary to properly serve you. Us trying to address self harm issues would be doing a disservice. I suggest you contact a crisis hotline right now, and in the long term, seek professional help wherever you live. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but that's all we can give.

If you live in the US, you can call 988 or text HOME to 741741 to reach national crisis hotlines. The Trevor Project can be reached by texting START to 678678, or by calling 1-866-488-7386. You can even message them online through their website.

Online interaction cannot replace live interaction. Although it's scary and difficult, there isn't another way. It's an easy trap that all types are vulnerable to. Seek to build relationships in the real world. Everyone can find others to love them.

[–] HonouraryDragon 8 points 1 day ago

Don't try to medicalise harassment. Cyberbullying is a community issue. It's up to the members of the communities to fight against harassment and support their vulnerable. It's up to our community leaders to especially uphold a safe environment for all kinds.

[–] Newbuild 4 points 1 day ago

Friend of drag here, most of this drama bs could just be over and done with if people just stopped being assholes for no good reason

[–] dragonfucker 1 points 1 day ago

Lemmy moderators are qualified to and capable of helping people with misgendering and harassment by removing misgendering and harassment and banning people who do it. The misgendering and harassment aren't on this community, so the mods here can't remove it directly, but anyone with a lemmy account can report the offending comments or tell the people responsible to knock it off.

Here's some advice from the University of Cambridge on how to be an active bystander: https://www.breakingthesilence.cam.ac.uk/prevention-support/be-active-bystander

How You Can Intervene Safely: When it comes to intervening safely, remember the four Ds – direct, distract, delegate, delay.

Direct action Call out negative behaviour, tell the person to stop or ask the victim if they are OK. Do this as a group if you can. Be polite. Don’t aggravate the situation - remain calm and state why something has offended you. Stick to exactly what has happened, don’t exaggerate.
Distract Interrupt, start a conversation with the perpetrator to allow their potential target to move away or have friends intervene. Or come up with an idea to get the victim out of the situation – tell them they need to take a call, or you need to speak to them; any excuse to get them away to safety. Alternatively, try distracting, or redirecting the situation.
Delegate If you are too embarrassed or shy to speak out, or you don’t feel safe to do so, get someone else to step in. Any decent venue has a zero tolerance policy on harassment, so the staff there will act.
Delay If the situation is too dangerous to challenge then and there (such as there is the threat of violence or you are outnumbered) just walk away. Wait for the situation to pass then ask the victim later if they are OK. Or report it when it’s safe to do so – it’s never too late to act.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 1 day ago (2 children)

yeah every single time I see u I also see either removed comments or people being assholes to your identity :/ I was surprised how well u handled it and that u were still around and Im not surprised at all that u need to vent

like someone else said maybe not using lemmy is the best option (or changing the way u use it and just blocking people instead of interacting with them?) its clearly doing u a disservice, do u have other places like chat groups or whateves where u know people dont attack u?

[–] dragonfucker 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Drag keeps coming back to this comment. You were surprised drag could stay calm in the face of all that hate. Thank you. Drag feels seen. It was so hard and drag tried so much.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 23 hours ago

Ure welcome! :3 have a virtual hug 🫂

[–] dragonfucker 0 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Drag uses Lemmy to dissociate and keep the traumatic thoughts away. Don't want to go without that. Drag has friends online but they aren't always available. They need to sleep and do their own things a lot of the time. Drag wishes there were better places on the internet, but it doesn't seem like there are. It would be the same on Xitter, Reddit, Facebook. Mastodon and Tumblr are boring and don't help drag zone out. Drag has never tried Tiktok and after the last few days, never will.

Thank you for the kindness. Drag wishes that people who harass and misgender would be stopped, either by the community or by the people in charge. But that doesn't happen. The more drag defends dragself, the worse it gets.

How do normal people look at these screenshots and see brave heroes showing the evil trans person what for?? The votes say that's what's happening. That knowledge is worse than any other part of it.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)

yeah I always see people on lemmy being EXTREMELY quick at calling anyone a troll, I specially see people being accused of being alts literally every time I look at a post outside blahaj X3

The more drag defends dragself, the worse it gets.

honestly if it was me I think Id at first defend myself but eventually get tired and just ignore and block these people on sight, if the reason I use lemmy is just to have fun anyway

but Im not in ur situation so idk if there r any issues on that plan, just keep in mind that some people r just unwilling to learn new things and theres not much that u can do against that without letting it hurt u

[–] dragonfucker 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Seeing harassment causes an immediate physical reaction. But knowing there are people out there spreading their harassment campaign and drag can't see them and nothing is getting better... That's an existential dread. That's what makes it feel like life isn't worth living. Drag unfortunately has object permanence and would know it's out there if drag blocked it.

Drag blocked the transphobe in this screenshot, and that gave a respite. But drag will only be able to feel safe when drag has unblocked them and can see what horrible stuff they're saying to everyone else. The unknown is terrifying.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 day ago

oh yeh I know that, but sadly thats something we need to live with and try to not let it affect us :/ Ive had that feeling in many different communities and in life in general and Im always anxious when joining a new community but at the end of the day the world is full of awesome people and horrible people and everything in between and its better to not think about the horrible people, its very hard to ignore but it makes life a lot easier

progress is slow and sometimes it looks like it takes a few steps back but at the end of the day things always get better and better with time, that is of course cuz theres people constantly fighting for that progress to happen but part of the fight is knowing when its better to just focus on urself 🫶

I bet u already know all that but just wanted to give some positivity to someone that needs it :3

[–] tasho@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

sorry that many users are such waste disposal units on lemmy 😞 I feel like I can't do much alone but I concur that our mods should be acting against harassing you for your identity. the unpredictable nature of getting weird bigoted replies to just regular nice people makes me anxious about posting much - like I never know what to expect. I'm hoping a better community can grow here.

[–] dragonfucker -3 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

This is what drag thinks. The transphobic people complaining about drag's gender are the ones making the space unsafe for other trans people. Drag is just existing and they could easily choose peace. They decide to make trans people afraid to exist, and they'd be doing it with some other "weird" person if it wasn't drag. Thank you. Drag didn't mean to imply you're trans if you aren't, drag thinks this pattern applies to any minority identity.

[–] tasho@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

I appreciate the sentiment & I agree. while I'm not trans, but I don't want to be anywhere where I feel unsafe to be queer and feel unable to experiment with how I express myself. transphobia is obviously a slippery slope and will just further push us out

[–] dragonfucker 1 points 19 hours ago

Exactly! Trans rights are human rights! An attack on any of our expressions is an attack on all of our liberties.

[–] Rhoeri@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Isn’t this a meme community?

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 17 points 1 day ago (1 children)

196 has always been an "anything goes" community, its just that those tend to be mostly shitposts X3

[–] Rhoeri@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Ahh. Fair enough! Thanks!