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They don’t like you.

You have prostate cancer

But you shit yourself while you're going home every time.

... and they see you. You remind them of the taste of food. It's been so long.

...but everyone already knows that before they see the movie about your life.

Pressing one inconvenience-fixing button also causes a random inconvenience in the list to reoccur. Hope you like invisible splinters in your socks and random hiccups every time you want to cure your allergies.

When you push one of those buttons, it's effect is random.

You fall asleep easily, but you have wicked sleep apnea.

You can stop humming songs but it dials the intrusive thoughts up to 11

Good news, your light headaches have been replaced with moderate migraines.

You can postpone your hunger for 3 hours, but anything you consume within that window you permanently develop a sickness taste aversion to.

The ringing in your ear has been replaced with the Wilhelm scream.

The itching has stopped. The only price was IBS.

You are a cat 🐱

But it also has no speed limit, causing items you pull around to reach light speed almost instantly, effectively growing to infinite size for the duration of the pull

You have to sort through every object anyone has ever lost to do so

Any object you locate begins looking for you

But every time you do it, you fall asleep until someone else wakes you up with the magic formula "wake up, you dummy! Wake up!" When you wake up the effect is over.