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submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world to c/goodoffmychest@lemmy.world

Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.

It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.

I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.

I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.

That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.

Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.

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[-] Denixen@feddit.nu 8 points 6 months ago

It warms my heart that you still want to be friends with her and not rip things up completely. It must have been so difficult for her to come out, given that she would risk losing you completely. I hope you find a way to move forward from this. It is as you said nobody's fault.

My sympathies to you for having your life shaken like this...

It sounds like you both are very mature, empathetic people. Some things just have to play hard, not anybody's fault, but how you react is what you can (sometimes, in some ways) control. So good for both of you for trying to accept rather than fight what you can't change.

If it helps to hear, it sounds like you're doing a great job assimilating this in a healthy way. You deserve to feel whatever you feel, and to take the time it takes to feel it and process it.

[-] jpreston2005@lemmy.world 6 points 6 months ago

You got this, dog. Whatever happens, you're also important and deserve love too ❤️

[-] tiredofsametab@fedia.io 5 points 6 months ago

I had a friend who went through this the other way around and her partner came to the conclusion he was gay. She went to therapy for a while and I remember it being really rough for her to talk about even later (I met her a bit after this happened). She did get over it and met someone new a few years later after taking some time off.

[-] KokusnussRitter@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 6 months ago

I am sorry to hear about the heartbreak. I don't have any advice, but I hope both of you will find a way to grow into this new situation.

[-] hasnt_seen_goonies@lemmy.world 4 points 6 months ago

This is a terrible thing to go through. I'm sorry it is happening. I hope better things come your way in the future.

[-] Triasha@lemmy.world 4 points 6 months ago

I deeply sorry. Give yourself as much time to grieve as you can. It's not your fault, but that won't make it hurt less. Sounds like you have been all anyone could have asked for.

If you can, reach out to your support system outside of her. Staying close is good in the medium/long term but some distance in the short can help you settle into a new normal.

Take care.

[-] lmmarsano@lemmynsfw.com 4 points 6 months ago

I'm stunned no one has questions. On reflection, were there any signs that may have indicated this? Did either of you initiate more in the bedroom or seem more into it than the other or was it about even? Was either more into the other person, putting more into the relationship, or more interested in marriage or was it equally reciprocated & mutual?

Feel free not to answer.

[-] VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

Oh there were signs in the last few months for certain. Like I mentioned before, she's been out of work, and depressed, so that masked a lot of the hints. I have noticed that she seemed as if she was genuinely trying to prepare me for this in some ways though.

Bedroom wise we both initiated quite often. She tells me she doesn't regret any of it, and she says she's confused as to why she enjoyed it sometimes more than others to the point where she eventually couldn't feel like doing anything. A lot was reciprocated, we've always had a policy about fairness.

[-] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 points 6 months ago

Usually they hide it very good, even a closeted person can have hetero sex.

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[-] victorz@lemmy.world 4 points 6 months ago

This is beautiful in its tragedy.

I'm sorry you are both going through this but I'm glad for the way you are both seemingly handling it. You seem to really deserve each other as friends and I hope you both remain strong in that role for each other.

All the best from the other side of the pond.

[-] Hamartiogonic@sopuli.xyz 3 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Maybe you won’t be happy together, and coming to terms with that is hard. You may accept it on a cognitive level today, but accepting it on an emotional level can take time.

You both can still find happiness elsewhere. You both deserve to pursue and find happiness in your own way. I hope you both find it somewhere.

These kinds of lessons aren’t easy or fun, but they have a tendency to develop who we are. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow.

But it still sucks. 😢

All the best to you.

[-] Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 2 points 6 months ago

Really sucks, but if you play your cards right you may get breakup threesome sex or a lifelong wingwoman.

(I think these cards are mutually exclusive)

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this post was submitted on 29 Jan 2026
607 points (98.7% liked)

Off My Chest

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