this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2023
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Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?

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[–] RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.

[–] Chariotwheel@kbin.social 8 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Yeah, kinda sounds like the husband may just be unaware of what's ticking OP off. Even if they show displeasure, if they don't properly verbalize it, they may just be annoyed at the subject matter, rather than how the husband is calling them.

Some people, like me, are daft as hell and need some things to be spelled out for them.

[–] Vilian@lemmy.ca 7 points 1 year ago

as a boyfriend i talk like this too, i don't think my girlfriend bothers, but i never thought about it, yes, she need to talk to him cos he never gonna know

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[–] Guy_Fieris_Hair@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago

My wife doesn't do it all the time more when we first got together but she would call my name, like I'm a fucking dog. I just started saying "What?" Sometimes she would just say "come here" as a response and I would just give an akward silence for a second and say "Why?" with some attitude behind it. She figured out that it bothered me and stopped. Communication is cool.

[–] iegod@lemm.ee 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You are normal and have every right to be bothered by it. Have a chat with them and let them know how much it bugs you, and offer them an easy fix: just provide context.

[–] Saraphim@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I guess that’s what I’m here for, context. I feel like I can’t adequately explain why it’s upsetting when I can’t even explain it to myself. It seems like such a small silly thing to object to but it really freaking stresses me out and ticks me off. Sometimes other people’s thoughts help give context to your own.

[–] RojaBunny@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

I think some of the other commenters pointing out that it reads as a command is probably a big one, but you did a pretty good job of explaining it here (imo). Even just saying to him that you want a heads up of if it's good or bad and working out a system so you don't stress would probably be a marked improvement for you, and I would bet it'd be an easy fix.

[–] jpreston2005@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

tell him to stop issueing the command of "come here," and instead offer up alternatives.

"Hey, you got a second to see this?"

"Honey, you gotta check this out!"

"Honey, drop everything you're doing and run to me"

"Hey babe, come experience this crazy thing with me!"

[–] Smoogs@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

it’s more to do with their inability to use words to describe what they are seeing. Lack of ability to communicate. And yes, it can be very exhausting. You just reminded me of one relationship I’m actually very very relieved it ended because he was very much a draining human being.

[–] faintwhenfree@lemmus.org 9 points 1 year ago

I have a different nickname for my wife when I want her to come to me. So it's just so easy I just have to shout and she'll show up in a matter of seconds. But if call her by regular name, she'll just reply asking. WHAAAT?

Also I think you're bothered because "come here" is just so basic, feels like an order, we see ourselves as something being told to dogs. Just two more words can change the tone a lot "can you come here?"

[–] BobbyBandwidth@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

Because “come here” is a command, and when a pattern emerges over the lifetime of a relationship it is disrespectful to you. Are you a dog?

[–] Skkorm@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I have a similar issue with a co-worker that I trained under for a while: when he wanted to show me how to do a thing, he wouldn't tell me what he was instructing me on, he would just start walking me through steps so that he could reveal what was finished at the end.

I ended up having a blow up where I told him to tell me what I was doing before I started doing it, and that he isn't a fucking magician.

Editted to add: I started calling him Houdini for a while, which is what made him stop

[–] wylderbuilds@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

You hate it precisely because of how you described it. It's a game where you often end up paying a price, where the reveal is more often a punishment, not a reward. You've sensibly learned to dread it.

His half of the game is that always gets is to see your reaction in the moment. If it's something bad, he gets a big reaction out of you. It's always a payout for him. Not for you.

[–] TheInsane42@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I guess it bothers you as it's a command, not a request. I'm not to responsive to commands as well. My wife doesn't give them, but states a situation, usually expecting I drop everything and respond. (almost as bad)

As someone already reacted, in the car I get a 'look' as well, but th's usually because she sees an old car. (When busy with traffic, I miss it, but we have some nice spots)

Some consideration from your partner is appreciated though, but that requires telling what is wrong as well. Without communication the problem only escalates. (Which usually doesn't bode well for relationships)

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[–] redimk@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 1 year ago

My mother is like this as well, when I was little she used to only say "come here!", and if I wasn't showing up right next to her she wouldn't say what she wanted to say, she would just stay silent. Sometimes it was only to let me know it was someone's birthday.

She even says it unconsciously now. She lives in Venezuela, I live in Brazil now, and during calls she still says "come here" and every time I tell her "Now how am I gonna go there right now? Are you paying for the plane tickets?"

It's not just you, you're not mental, it's fucking frustrating and at some point in my life I just decided not to react to her "come here" and keep quiet until she tells me what she wants, otherwise I'm not interested.

[–] Tuss@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago (17 children)

I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.

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[–] Lanthanae@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 1 year ago

Follow up question, have you had a discussion with him about this? Have you two attempted to approach and solve this problem as a team already?

[–] EyIchFragDochNur@feddit.de 6 points 1 year ago

Why

Because you're not the property of a huge baby

[–] Boozilla@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I hate it, too. It's like someone ordering a circus animal to perform.

I also hate it when I get vague open-ended texts like "favor?".

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[–] musicalcactus@midwest.social 6 points 1 year ago (2 children)

What does he do if you stay where you're at and ask what he wants you for?

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