This is delightful. So many good sections, I ultimately went with:

Let’s deal only briefly with the eventual contents of Elon and Donald’s fireside chat, as long as we’re clear the fire they were sitting next to was a dumpster, sparks from which had long since set both their pants on fire. “I want to close the department of education,” Trump slurred at one point. According to Trump, Biden was ousted in a “coup”. Hey, at least the Democrats can organise a successful one.

snif Ah. Imagine, America. Imagine if your native corporate news could swing a sword like that. Could NBC or CNN print this? Nay nay. Their marketing and sales people would have conniption fits. The owners would never alllow it.