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A thing to maybe consider is to get a subscription at a range and check out a rental firearm to plink on the range. You lose some money in the experience like going to a movie or whatever, but you're not out the full price of the firearm. Then you can decide how you feel. Granted, active fire is much different than object that sits on shelf. They're quite docile when stationary. Even so, it's just psychologically weird normalizing the thought of, "I have a device on this shelf that has only one purpose, to delete life." Sure, hammers, nailguns, knives, etc. can be used for killing, but they have a useful primary purpose. Guns don't.
Yeah I've been considering that, but I'm not sure the ranges near me are women friendly spaces and I don't think I'm in the right head space to voluntarily push into a male dominated space like that. I wonder if there's a good way to screen potential ranges, should I just come straight out and ask if they're welcoming?
Having a life ending device just "sitting on the shelf" is definitely my biggest issue. I have an ex who would threaten to kill himself whenever our relationship was on the rocks, and while my husband is a very stable person I still have a hard time shaking the feeling that weapons+men=bad news. Though I asked if he was comfortable with me having a gun safe that he cannot unlock and he said he supports whatever is going to make me feel safest atm.
I just hate that this is where we are.