For context, we're both past the 30-year mark, with myself in my mids and him pushing 40. We've known each other from Uni, have been best friends since, and the entire thing pretty much turned into a siblinghood, with his family sort of "adopting" me (I'm perpetually invited to all of their family events and gatherings, his parents love having me around, etc.) We've been there for eachother through some of our worst times, and we got along really well.
That is, until the Pandemic hit. This has been going on for a while now, but it started getting more pronounced during the Pandemic, when he went from sharing edgy memes to expressing belief in the principles behind those memes (think "I identify as an attack helicopter," "immigrants are exclusively to blame for the downfall of countries," 4chan type jokes about minorities, etc.).
On my end, I tried to discuss these things with him at first, trying to get a sense of why he was doubling down on these things, and the closest I could come to understand it is that it's a relatively irrational fear, fuelled by his tendency to not really explore the veracity of the news he reads - as an example related to his transphobia, it's like he refuses to accept that sex and gender are not inextricably linked to one another, not on a logical basis, but on a "I feel this is incorrect" basis.
Things got pretty tense back in 2022, when I felt the need to call a time off on our friendship for almost an entire year. I just couldn't play it cool when he randomly blurted out something profoundly inconsiderate and devoid of empathy. Conversations turned from heated debates to outright arguments, I could tell that the gap was widening with every subsequent one, and his beliefs seemed to solidify.
We reconciled in 2023 after his wife reached out to me expressing regret that we would lose the friendship over "politics," tried to get back to acting normally around one another, yet the same issues popped up again. This time, with even less empathy. The most recent example was when we both learnt that Trump got elected president again. I expressed a sense of empathy and regret for all of the people who would no longer be allowed to get abortions, the risk he posed to HRT beneficiaries, the danger he posed to all minorities, etc. The only thing he could come up with is "I feel nothing, they deserve it. Did it to themselves." I called him out on his utter lack of empathy, we had a brief, but poignant argument, and now we've barely been talking for two weeks. He periodically drops a message like nothing happened, but I am beyond hesitant to reply. Everything is cold and superficial.
Now, I tried to understand him and his situation... He's a relatively fresh father (his daughter is 2 years old), he is aware of the fact that the world isn't doing too well, but seems to be in denial about it which I sort of understand as being a method of self-protection, but I just cannot abide by his views anymore. No amount of panic or self-defence justifies this in my opinion.
I just don't know what to do. I mean, I do know, or at least my subconscious does, but... I don't know, guess the age and depth of our friendship makes me hesitant to drop it, although this is just the sunk cost fallacy at play... The fact that I feel I'm past my socialite days and knowing that I probably won't make any more friends any time soon doesn't much help, either.
Guess I'm just looking for confirmation around what I already know is the only option...
Ok so you've had a lot of people talk about how your friend isn't the same person anymore and you're probably going to have to end it, so I'll address the other underlying fear here.
You can and will make new friends and won't be lonely.
The best advice I can give for making friends is going to things where it's a large social event that has a shared interest. Conventions for whatever nerd stuff you're into are great for this. Historical reenactment groups, anime, comics, whatever. When you're at a place like this, you already have an in with people because you're into the same thing as everyone else there and can talk to them about it.
Getting interested in other people always makes you more friends than trying to get them interested in you.
I've made more and longer friends in my 30s than I did in any other phase of my life. You seem like an empathetic and caring person, and kindness can get you a lot of friends out there. You've got this!
Thank you for the encouragement and for the sound advice!
I was actually planning on spreading out as of next year (2024 broke me, I am letting myself float somewhere outside of time and space until the year's officially over), focusing mostly on as much volunteer work as I can find. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a job in a related field, or something, that would definitely make my day.
As for conventions and social events, that's a bit... tricky for me. So far, I've pretty much been the embodiment of the "adopted introvert" meme (for lots of reasons, most beyond my introversion), so it'll be baby steps for a while. But you are right, I have to do some exposure therapy.
Those are very kind words and I can only hope that I deserve them!