Asklemmy

"I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance"

I'm proud of you for having the self-awareness to recognise your avoidant instincts and taking steps to counter that (i.e. by asking for advice from people). That might not feel like a victory, given that you were hoping people would give you "permission" to lean into the avoidance, but I'm familiar with the kind of hope you describe: it's a shameful kind of hope, because deep down, you know that people aren't going to advise you to ghost her, and that indulging your avoidant instincts probably aren't productive — the shame comes from the tension between knowing what you should do, and your wish to instead take the avoidant path, which I imagine has served you well over the years as a go-to coping strategy, albeit a maladaptive one.

The tension between who we feel capable of being vs. who we'd like to be is quite uncomfortable, but it certainly shouldn't be shameful. Building up healthier skills and habits is a marathon, and it does not require perfection. I hope that you are able to find the strength to take the approach that you understand to be the best, even though that will mean defying your instincts. It will feel clunky, and uncomfortable, but that's just the discomfort of growth.

I hope you're able to recognise that asking for advice here isn't a sign of failure, but a show of your strong resolve to improve — I've found that asking for advice when we already low-key know the correct approach is a way of holding ourselves accountable: you want to communicate clearly and healthily; you also want to curl up so small that you can hide from this girl rather than talking to her. This conflict exists because for whatever reason, you've recognised that your people pleasing tendencies don't serve you or the people in your life very well. Regardless of how you proceed from here, I'm proud of the steps you've already taken to improve yourself. I say this as someone else who had to learn these skills as an adult due to messy family stuff. It's bloody awkward, and stressful, and it takes a long time; that's why recognising the small steps forward is good