I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
There is no obligation at any specific time to have sex from either party. That being said, if either party is unhappy with the frequency of intimacy, it is perfectly reasonable to work together to resolve the issue, as with any relationship challenges.
Getting upset and frustrated is not helpful. Being tired is not “an excuse”. His approach to resolving the challenge is inherently flawed and inconsiderate, and your mindset worrying about “meeting your husbands needs” is a little concerning - it seems like you don’t have the ability to set healthy boundaries in the relationship.
None of this should make you feel like the relationship is “doomed” or that your husband is an ass. It sounds like you’re both young, and it’s perfectly natural to not be great at conflict resolution - plenty of old couples still suck at it.
Take the time to discuss the issue again - it should not be a you vs. him conversation, but the two of you working to solve the challenges of a difficult time. If either of you is clearly not working as part of that team, you won’t get anywhere.
Make it clear you have “needs” too - if you can’t rest after a long and stressful shift, it might challenge your ability to work. If he wants intimacy more often, perhaps you could better plan around the free time you do have - if it’s clear the overtime is severely limiting the opportunities, he needs to understand that he can make the sacrifice of using his hand every once in a while while you work your butt off to help pay for his sister’s treatment - often putting situations into clearer terms helps people understand when they’re not being very reasonable.
It is entirely possible he will be unreceptive to all of this, at which point the other commenters bloodlust will be a little more justified. But you gotta have a little more optimism in relationships you barely know anything about.