I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
So I think you got some advice here saying that it is always okay to say no to sex but I am going to add some additional information and context. I am basing my advice on what I expected Americans longest running sex columnist Dan Savage would say. He gives great advice and I am midway listening through his backlog so it should be top of mind. I highly recommend both you and anyone who is interested to take a look at what he says especially about "maintenance sex" which I think this covers.
So as mentioned earlier you are an autonomous person and you don't "owe" anyone sex and no one "owes" you sex. So both of you don't owe each other sex as needed or as part of a quota program (i.e. 5 days of sex a week). That being said if you two made a monogamous commitment to each other (which should be an explicit opt-in discussion that should be revisited) you both should have a reasonable expectation to be sexually satisfied. That mean both of you are both getting a reasonable amount of the sex, orgasm and intimacy depending on your own needs. Along with this both of you need a degree of sexual autonomy as well that fits within your own definition of monogamy. This is typically permission to masterbate, watch porn, listen to erotica, harmless flirting etc. depending on what you two define as acceptable and this should typically be two sided.
So with both of these in mind there may be times where someone might feel the need to have sex with a partner when one is not 100% feeling it (this 100% feeling it, not anytime one partners asks). This would fall under the "maintenance sex" category which should have expectations at a reasonable time, with a reasonable amount of enthusiasm and with a reasonable sexual activity. This means it should happen a time that works for both of you so not at 6 am. Maintenance sex should be wild and crazy enthusiastic PIV sex but rather lower energy with a smaller expectations. That includes not having PIV sex but can be other sexual activities such as a masterbate assist such as letting him touch you, lending your hand to help him masterbate quick etc. [Dan would mention his thoughts about how often men would agree to sex if they had to be penetrated every time which is one of the reasons gay men have more sex since they have a nice broad definition of sex]. If done correctly maintenance sex can be upgraded to regular sex if both of you get really into it but shouldn't be expected.
That being said everything above is about "maintenance sex" in general and not your specific situation. 6 am is way too early. Daily is too often. Anyone who says "marital duties” is throwing up some major red flags. It is frustrating and demoralizing to get turned down for sex often but there should be a reasonable expectation. In times of major stress it should be expected to happen less. Also it depends on how sex is initiated. Is it a small gentle ask with a reasonable expectation of "No" that is better than a pouty guilt tripped crude ask. That is something you two might need to talk about if his ask is giving you the "ick". Saying "martial duties" is giving me the "ick" from here.