Today I Learned

I'm fucking losing my god damn shit over here.

In 2023 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I beat it, but it is still a daily presence in my life. I had to COMPLETELY upend my entire lifestyle.

I was what I would call an "events alcoholic". By that, I don't mean I'd drink everyday. I'd drink when an event would happen. Go to baseball? Drink. Watch a wrestling show? Drink. That's mostly it, but you gotta remember wrestling was on twice a week every week. Three times on ppv weeks.

And I'd go HARD. I mean I'd drink 20-30 beers and half a bottle of jack (usually mixed with coke).

And so when I got cancer, the doctor goes over what likely things cause cancer. At the top of that list is drugs and alcohol. Well drugs were never my thing. So I can rule that out. Alcohol however, I immediately said "That's probably what did it."

So I gave up drinking. I gave up wrestling mostly. I only watched baseball sober. Which is an entirely different feel. Instead of being a slow lazy sport where you just relax and talk with your buddies, it becomes either a frantic sport where every pitch matters, or a boring depressing sport where nothing matters because it's 18-3. No really, I attended a game that was literally 18-3. It felt like even if we got 3 grand slams in a row it would still be hopeless.

And I found something out real quick. I don't have friends. I have people who enjoy getting drunk with me. I haven't had a friend over my apartment since I got sober.

So that's depressing.

And then the doctor says another huge culprit of cancer among younger people, is beef. As in, I can't have cheeseburgers anymore. People judge me for how hard I was drinking. In reality, that was never my addiction. That's just what you do when you're with friends. They're drinking, you're drinking. One day you realize it's a lot, but you don't want to ruin anybodys time, so, you drink again.

But really? MY addiction is cheeseburgers. Bacon double cheeseburgers. With gooey melty cheese flowing down the sides like a delicious waterfall. Topped with lettice, and just a dab of ketchup. Don't overdo the ketchup. The ketchup is not the star here. The ketchup is barely a bit player in this ensamble. In fact, if the ketchup were missing entirely? Well, it's not like the bacon is gone!

I'd have cheeseburgers 2-5 times a week. If I do have an addiction problem, it's cheeseburgers and fast food. That has been so much harder to get rid of in my life. I haven't faltered and gone back to alcohol for almost 2 years. But I have had some guilt filled cheeseburgers where the woman at red robin is afraid to ask if everything is ok as I cry while stuffing my face. Knowing that what I'm doing in that moment would let everybody down that helped me as I beat cancer. Addiction is hard, ok? I'm not proud of what I did.

And so when I was sitting at home, I decided to take advantage of baseballs hidden gem deal in Cleveland. $50 standing room only. Every home game for a month. Not $50 per game. $50 for roughly 13-17 home games depending on the month, rain delays ect. I wasn't working. I got a bus pass, and a baseball pass, and took advantage of the fact that nobody goes to most games. So I can sit almost wherever. The ushers cared if you sat in the expensive seats, but didn't hassle you up top. And if you accidently took someones seat, appologize, and move on. Had that happen like twice in 2 months. It was fine.

Well on the way to the stadium is a candy shop. I thought "instead of beer, maybe I find a cheap candy to eat." So I bought a pez dispenser, and a 10 pack of pez.

Well that, combined with liveposting on reddit /r/ClevelandGuardians game day threads was a distraction for me. And it became a running joke that every time I ate grape pez, Josh Naylor would do something big, like hit a home run. So that became a whole big thing. And we had a player Miles Straw who NEVER hit a home run. So every time he came to bat, I'd post in the live thread "Here it comes! Straw's famous home run! He does it everytime! I'm telling you! He's famous for it! Just watch!" And every time he'd strike out. Or ground out. Occasionally would get a single at most. Amazing outfielder. Terrible batter.

And so one day, I was so so so very sick. I was in pain. I was depressed. I didn't go to the stadium. I didn't even watch on tv. I just stayed in bed. Cancer drugs take a toll. Don't get cancer, guys. 0/10 don't reccomend.

Well next day I get to the stadium. I'm bs'ing in the live thread. I make my usual Straw home run remarks. I'm laughing, and see the reply "Well not every day can be yesterday." I said "....what?" THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS NOT HIT A SINGLE GOD DAMN HOME RUN IN 2 YEARS, WAITS UNTIL I MAKE LITERAL DAILY JOKES ABOUT IT FOR 2 MONTHS STRAIGHT, AND THEN HITS ONE ON THE ONE DAY I'M NOT WATCHING!!! If I ever meet him, I'm going to laughingly give him shit for that. Everybody on the live thread was giving me shit for missing it. I'm STILL pissed. I'm laughing, but fucking hell man!

And so I ate so much pez that summer. I never liked grape. I only got it since it came in the variety pack, but now I had to eat the grape pez everytime Naylor was at bat. It was a whole thing.

Well......come to find out a few weeks ago that red dye #3 is known to cause cancer AND HAS BEEN KNOWN TO DO SO SINCE THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD DAMN 1980S, AND THE GOVERNMENT ONLY JUST NOW PUTS A BAN IN PLACE THAT WON'T BE IN EFFECT UNTIL 2027! No, I'm NOT joking. Try to guess what's listed on the pez ingredients list, that I've been eating for 2 damn years now AFTER beating cancer. So now I don't eat pez.

And so another thing I enjoy snacking on is potato chips. I wouldn't call it an addiction, but they are a regular staple of my snacking variety and have been since I was a kid. Now I see THIS post.

I tell ya. I am losing my shit, ok? I am losing my god damn mind, where I go to consume things, and 95% of my diet is like "oh, you can't have that. That gives you cancer."

I knew the foods weren't healthy. I thought they just made you fat. I was ok with being fat. I accepted myself decades ago. I didn't know they gave you cancer! Like there's a huge step between "you'll gain weight" and "you'll shit blood and your organs will grow tumors requiring surgury". HUUUUUUGE leap between those two realities.

And then, to top it off, I had a day where I rang a bell. And the nurses recorded it. And my family couldn't be there, because they work. And my friends couldn't be there because they don't exist. But at least I could take my video, bring it to /rClevelandGuardians and post it there. The one group of people who I connected with during surgury, and recovery, and I talked to as I sat for 8 hours getting an IV of medicine. I could post this video there, and it would be special!

Autobot has banned you from reddit for personal attacks against users.

What? What attacks?

It's a thread about a guy who got his bike stolen. He posted a picture of the guy, and the bike. I replied "Same thing happened to me 30 years ago. Looks like the same guy. Maybe the guy who stole my bike had a kid, and now it's a family business."

That's a personal attack against reddit users according to autobot. Repeals were denied. So now I lost all my reddit friends.

And that's where I stand right now. Losing everything I love, because apperently cancer runs my life. Every food, every activity, everything I love runs back to cancer, and NOW I have to give up potatoe chips too.

And now today I read that "light car pollution causes cancer". I live in the city, and work at an airport. What the fuck do you want from me, life???

Ya know what? I'm just going to go live in the river, and grow kale, and become a merman. I'm seriously at my wits end here. Every day I lose something in my life. All I have left is video games. Which I don't have time to play.

Oh, and on top of all this, I'm probably losing my health insurance. My grandma died, left me an inheritance, and apperently that qualifies as assets which will disqualify me from medicaid.

goes and cries in a corner