Okay, as I said before, you had a technical issue you couldn't fix for one specific use-case. Jumping down to a less efficient (which this is) abstract to solve for that problem isn't a good solution, ESPECIALLY if you're self-hosting as you describe.

If I go to a store to buy hot dogs, and they're out of hot dogs, I wouldn't buy hamburgers to cut in half and try to pass it off as hot dogs just because they fit in a hot dog bun.