this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2026
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People who gatekeep fucking food can just shove it in their mouths and shut the fuck up.
How about we don’t fuck food at all
Whoa. You're the worst kind of gatekeeper. Simultaneously gatekeeping food and kink shaming.
Then you explain it to your mother. That pie was supposed to be for eating, not for sating your carnal lust.
If your Puritan morales are getting in the way of eating it, that sounds like something you need to come to terms with.
You think it is morally OK to eat a fruit pie filled with your own son's semen?
Answer quick, the FBI watch list guy is waiting.
Have I been watching too many episodes of "family pies"?
I don't know, how big a fruit pie. What kind of fruit? What temperature was it at when he fucked it? When did I acquire a son? Wait, was this my cat son? BAD CAT! NO FUCKING PIES WITHOUT A PERMIT! YOU GOT TO GET A PERMIT FROM THE PERMIT OFFICE! YOU KNOW BETTER!
Now you're gatekeeping camel lust? We ought to chuck you in the horny hole
Camel Lust?
Must be the eyelashes. I get it.
Bactrian or Dromedary?
Any humpie will do
Do the humptie hump.
brown chicken brown cow
Over airport food no less
There are several airports that I travel through regularly that have absolute shit when it comes to food.
For several of them I'm stuck steering towards the least offensive options.
Pizza gate keeping is amusing, no that isn't real pizza! OK, wtf is it then?
I do think a lot of things called pizza should be called flatbreads or something, but this is the first time I've ever expressed that opinion. It's just not that important.
I would normally think of flatbread as plain bread. When its covered in typical pizza toppings, now its pizza
Well I have experienced Non-Real Pizza when I moved to the west coast, a few BC places just gave you cheese on bread with toppings with no tomato sauce. Sacrilegious.
I've tried to explain to a few places (who do use tomato sauve) that they shoukd ouble the sauce they put on for a better flavour.
Sounds like a pizza to me. Maybe not a variant of it that you like, but still pizza.
Where I'm from that's called cheese bread.
That question has a clear and very simple answer that most people dont like because it doesn't correspond to their version of it.
The Wikipedia page sums it up:
And
Pizza = Neapolitan pizza. Everything else is a variation (and that's fine).
Sure, I'll accept that. Pizza didn't exist until 2009.
Or, more seriously, are you saying pizza was invented in 1889 in naples, years after people were selling pizza in New York?
Like all things pizza, everyone claims to be the first and they're all liars.
If you demand true authenticity, accept nothing after the early 990s oiled flatbreads with buffalo cheese, sharing a common ancestor with pita. Because you're not going to find an actual origin for who, where or how people first "properly" put stuff on their bread when we've been eating bread and stuff for all of human history.
It's like saying that the only real sandwich is a single slice of salt beef between two slices of toasted bread with no toppings or condiments. Everything else is just some manner of dumpling.
That oiled cheesy pizza sounds good to me. But then I am probably the weirdo who actually wants to try the 1000+ year old foods, not the modern processed food imitations of them.
Modern food isn't an "imitation" of older foods. It's just food.
That one in particular is still super popular. Go to the store, buy a pita. Brush oil on it and sprinkle with some feta or a mozzarella bake to melt the cheese but don't crisp the bread. Maybe grate some parmesan cheese. Depending on your store they might just sell it. Mine does, although technically focaccia is allowed to rise while early pizza/pitta wasn't.
And I hate to break into you, but bread is a processed food. So is oil. And cheese. You can't find a loaf of bread growing on a tree. You can't even find most of the ingredients in the wild: you pick the grass, remove the seeds, dry them, crush them into a powder while possibly removing some parts, and then mix it with other things, including but not limited to: the residue of seeds and nuts crushed into oblivion, processed and separated milk solids, and a hearty dose of preservatives (salt).
If you're going ancient you also need to add some sand, since the mills were so garbage they left sand in the food. The way it etched peoples teeth is part of how we can tell dietary makeup.
Ultra processed then if you want to be pedantic
Hard to get more ultra processed than bread and oil. Unless you're using a different definition, in which case modern bread and oil is readily available that's just as unprocessed as 1000 years ago.
Modern cooking uses a lot less lead and sodium hydroxide than we did in the past too.
The entire dialogue on processed foods bothers me because there's no solid definition that doesn't seem to catch a lot of stuff it shouldn't that's also actionable. When you push, they all seem to condense to "unhealthy food is unhealthy and you should eat less" which is useless.
Cannibals agree.