Ghosted by a guy I thought I had a strong connection with but was very physically affectionate on our first dates and suddenly changed his tone - should I follow up? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

50 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I've had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I've had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn't say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn't see long-term romantic potential and didn't want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was "Long-term relationship" at the time of our dates, previously "Long-term, open to short-term", and was not publicly shared at all before that)

Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could've done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should've done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn't get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn't even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?

Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[-] Technus@lemmy.zip 33 points 1 day ago

By modern standards, you didn't really get ghosted. That text was him calling it off. It sucks, but I'm afraid that's about as good as you're probably gonna get.

I've been in your shoes, wracked my brain trying to think about everything I might have done wrong and wishing they'd tell me exactly why they weren't interested so I could try to fix it.

I've also been the guy in this situation, having figured out that I'm not interested in the person and struggling to put it into words. Maybe the vibe wasn't right, maybe we had different expectations, maybe there's nothing wrong with them physically but yet for some reason I'm just not attracted to them. I'm ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it's easier than telling them the truth. Maybe the times I got ghosted in return was some sorta karma.

You shouldn't blame yourself or assume anything is wrong. It sounds like this guy just had different expectations about some things, and that's perfectly fine. You shouldn't try to look for anything you need to change about yourself just to find a partner. Keep looking for someone who's willing to accept you as you are.

[-] appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago

Thank you so much! I was already wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did so wrong in such a short period of time to warrant this huge shift and wondering how someone can be so careless with their actions. I have been clear from the start about my intentions, spelling it out on my profile, and guys just seem to want to challenge me for some thrill that they're not going to get. I really hope it's not just boys left out there but so far it's been slim pickings.

[-] Maeve@kbin.earth 4 points 1 day ago

Because men have been given the "a man's going to be a man" pass for far too long. We live what we learn, and it's up to us to teach our children better.

[-] Maeve@kbin.earth 3 points 1 day ago

I'm ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it's easier than telling them the truth.

If you've learned better and are doing better, there's no need for shame. Sharing this will make a difference for those who have any sort of decency seed on the matter, and help women learn to choose themselves, rather than work to be chosen. Thank you. I hope you share it more.

this post was submitted on 26 Aug 2026

40 points (95.5% liked)

Ask Lemmy

41135 readers

1934 users here now

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions

Rules: (interactive)

1) Be nice and; have fun

Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, toxicity and dog-whistling are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them

2) All posts must end with a '?'

This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?

3) No spam

Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.

4) NSFW is okay, within reason

Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].

5) This is not a support community.

It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.

6) No US Politics.

Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !uspolitics@lemmy.world

7) No Hit-and-Run questions.

Please don't delete your post for no apparent reason. If you plan on deleting a question later, say so in the post, or if you feel that you have a good reason to remove it, message a mod beforehand. It's not fair to the ones who took their time to answer, and it's not in the spirit of the community.

8) No Bots.

Posts or comments from bots, LLM's, AIs, Neural Networks, Transformers, or Marvin the Paranoid Android are not welcome in AskLemmy. Real humans only please.

Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.