Ghosted by a guy I thought I had a strong connection with but was very physically affectionate on our first dates and suddenly changed his tone - should I follow up? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I've had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I've had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn't say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn't see long-term romantic potential and didn't want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was "Long-term relationship" at the time of our dates, previously "Long-term, open to short-term", and was not publicly shared at all before that)

Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could've done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should've done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn't get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn't even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?

Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!

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[-] MrOtingocni@lemmy.world 30 points 1 day ago

Don't bother, there's nothing there to get closure on.

He wanted to screw on the first date and when that didn't happen he immediately moved on to the next prospect. He's not looking for anything but booty.

Don't waste your time.

[-] TachyonTele_Esq@piefed.social 8 points 1 day ago

Bingo

[-] appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago

Thank you for your advice! Unbelieveable how misleading he was throughout this whole situation. I think he himself is confused and needs to work on aligning his actions with his words. His dating intention description started as not publicly shared on his profile, then to "Long-term relationship, open to short term" then "Long-term relationship" when interacting with me more, now disappeared again. I know everyone who commented is right, but it feels so frustrating and that I got the short end of the stick for no good reason. At least I saw his red flags and spoke up even if it was a step slower.

[-] Onomatopoeia@lemmy.cafe 3 points 1 day ago

Meh, don't think to much about it.

Everyone operates in their own best interest. Some of us aren't too self-aware about it.

[-] MrOtingocni@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Yes, unfortunately a lot of the dating game is a kind of a dance of deception. For people comfortable with that, all the flattery, romantic gestures and charm, all the promises and pillow talk is second nature and part of the dance.

For more straight shooters it can be a difficult landscape to navigate since you are relying on the prospective partner to be honest with you. Which puts us at the mercy of those who are especially crafty (or conniving, depending on how you look at it).

Silver linings, you stuck to your guns about what you were looking for in a relationship. Many people buckle under the onslaught of another's wiles and end up regretting it. Sounds like you did right by your self and dodged a bullet in the process.

Good luck with your next search.

this post was submitted on 26 Aug 2026

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