Ghosted by a guy I thought I had a strong connection with but was very physically affectionate on our first dates and suddenly changed his tone - should I follow up? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I've had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I've had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn't say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn't see long-term romantic potential and didn't want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was "Long-term relationship" at the time of our dates, previously "Long-term, open to short-term", and was not publicly shared at all before that)

Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could've done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should've done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn't get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn't even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?

Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!

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[-] alternategait@lemmy.world 29 points 1 day ago

Gestures on a first date mean basically nothing. Everyone is presenting a “very best” version of themselves. It’s easy to do for an evening.

[-] Bebopalouie@lemmy.ca 13 points 1 day ago

And he could not seem to even contain himself on the 1st date. Huge red flag IMO.

[-] appledinosaurcat@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago

Incredibly disgusting and cheap behavior if not with genuine intentions over longer term, when that is literally what they said out loud. I was sad and now I'm more so angry. What if all these single guys around my age (I would say I'm older than the age of settling down as expected by society) are just in it for casual? Or the ones that are genuine, I don't find attractive for xyz reason? That is terrifying.

[-] MyBrainHurts@piefed.ca 8 points 1 day ago

As a guy, we can be real jerks.

My guess is that he probably wants more short term casual relationships but also knows that most women want long term (and those who want short term have no end of possible suppliers.) So, if he wants to sleep around, he probably has to claim he that ultimately he is looking for a long term relationship. (Would you have gone on a date if his profile just said casual?)

I'm also striding through middle age and sorry to say, in a lot of senses, dating doesn't get easier. Honestly, I think a lot of people have coupled up and a higher proportion who haven't, haven't for a reason.

There's also an interesting phenomenon I've seen in early middle age where guys who seem dependable etc couple up with women who would seem "out of their league" as priorities shift to starting a family etc. Of course, the flip side is this also removes a lot of the nice but kind of unremarkable guys from the dating pool.

All that being said, I'd say there is still hope! The big advantage of dating later on in life is that you know who you are, what you want and hopefully, you're not afraid to ask/demand it! Meeting people in person, whether community groups, sports, hobbies, volunteering or anything else is tricky but deeply rewarding. The other folks around our age who also don't have families and kids are often pretty friendly and happy to make new friends as our old friends get busier with their new families etc.

Good luck out there!

[-] RBWells@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

What's funny is that this is so not a male/female split. I wanted casual between my long term guys, was thinking to just keep it that way, but then decided to date more seriously and was shocked at the response from these guys I only wanted casually - apparently what they wanted was to date seriously but I didn't see them that way? It seemed like guys were settling for casual hookups because that's what they could get, or what they were expected to want?

I didn't want to date any of them like that! But felt kind of shitty that I hadn't picked up on it, at all. There was zero awareness on my side that these guys were wishing for anything other than the casual hookups.

this post was submitted on 26 Aug 2026

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