👋 Hello! It’s such a pleasure to finally get to say that to all of you. I lurked here briefly and what I’ve read and experienced recently has really motivated me to explore my gender identity beyond what I’ve already done. I have so much I want to share, but I’ll try to keep it pithy.

I have been out – at least to immediate family and friends – as non-binary for about 6 years now. In order to feel less masc I’ve grown out my hair (have wanted to since high school), pierced my ears, and occasionally slap a coat of paint on my nails. Habitually carry a bag with EDC/first-aid ⛑️ that rocks the NB colors. Recently did away with the beard. Otherwise, very much masc presenting currently. My dear ones use they/them pronouns for me, usually get he/him-ed by others – honestly pronouns don’t usually make me feel weird or anything and I could honestly go all/any most of the time. Mr. and sir are another story – I really dislike those.

What brings me before the lovely people of Blåhaj 🦈is that I think my egg has cracked. I’ve read quite a few posts about folks denying they’re trans – “still cis” – and I think that’s a little bit what being an enby has been for me. I think I’ve been playing around the edges of a plunge I need to take. I have a step-son who is trans so I had a passing idea about what gender dysphoria entails, but I honestly never read very deeply about it I’m ashamed to say. I certainly never realized that it may affect me. I recently read the Dysphoria Bible and several articles written by trans folks. So many things clicked for me.

I think it’s the occasional sense of euphoria I get from an alignment with femininity more than the acceptance of being dysphoric that helped me crack my shell. One instance was after growing out my hair. I was at my friend’s house and a workman was trying to get our attention. He referred to me as female (I don’t remember his exact words) and something lit up inside me. 💡 I also remember the time that my daughter took a photo of me and applied a gender swapping filter. Same light. 💡 It happened again this week when I got a look at myself in the mirror. My hair looked fabulous and I just saw through the “masc mask” and I was just so happy because I felt pretty. ☀️

Looking back on my life, I see a lot that suggests a struggle. I’ve had anger problems from a young age as well as problems fitting in. As I got older I self-isolated a lot in school. I had a dark stretch in my late teens and early adulthood when I was constantly angry and using some pretty maladaptive coping strategies of which I’m ashamed. I often had thoughts of suicide and self-harmed regularly. My internal monologue is better than it used to be but still not great – just “I hate myself” on a broken record. Anyway, bunch of stuff happened, married, kid, settled into a home. The stability this has provided has smoothed out a lot of my rough edges, but I still struggle in a lot of ways.

From around about puberty I’ve always felt very connected to my feminine side. I can remember mowing the lawn as a kid and ruminating on this. I’ve always especially enjoyed conversations and friendships with females and have, with a few exceptions, eschewed socializing with men. I just never got “being a man”. I know anyone of any gender can do whatever they like and I take the gender-coded thing with a huge grain of salt, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t at least a little truth to it. I can do “male-coded things” like woodworking or plumbing (the worst activity; 0/0 stars) out of necessity, but I’d rather be cooking (my wife says cooking for people is my love language) or singing. All of my education and work has been what most people would say is “women’s work” (compassion- and/or communication-centered labor).

So I pushed the button. 🔘 I was happy to push it. 🔘 🔘 🔘
My name is Mika and I’m a woman♀️. That being said, I’m also cautious ⚠️. I plan to work on my presentation and finding IRL community while I look into options for HRT and continue my search for employment. I’ve had a discussion about this with both my daughter and my wife and while the rest of my family may not be very happy (still not out to them), I know I am blessed. My daughter had a “what took you so long” response. My wife was surprised, but has taken it well. I’m even more blessed because my wife is an esthetician and is helping me with hair removal and skin care. I know that I’m negotiating my identity like a problem to be solved, but that’s how my mind works. If I can take things a step at a time and chunk all the things I feel like I need to do to feel safe enough to be out in the world as myself, I think I might be okay.

🌰 So that’s me in a nutshell, but no longer in an eggshell. I aim to be a good community member and look forward to getting to know everyone better who has an interest in that. Thanks for taking the time to read my very long post (which is much shorter than the still incomplete one I started before that is 4 pages in LibreWriter). :) Also, I’ve never been in a “reddit-style” community before so I will probably be fumbling around trying to figure everything out. Also, if there are any faux pas I ought to avoid, please feel free to inform me. Thanks!