(Picture to get some good vibes going)
Lately I'm not quite enjoyable for those around me.
I got quite a bit on my plate and I have trouble winding down. Not gonna bother with the details but let's say life isn't always as smooth sailing. To the point where I'm quite grumpy at the slightest inconvenience.
I'm trying to narrow it down to:
-I'm always "on". Call me late to the party but the last years with everything coming to light about how this world is truly run. I can't fully enjoy and let go anymore. Not while knowing there's genocide going on at the hands of a few billionaire scumbags. (Stop following the news? I don't know if I can)
-too much to do: I have quite a list of stuff to do that just doesn't seem to let off. Today I did some long overdue cleaning in the hobbyspace and still it only made a dent.
-and finally: meds. I'm currently only taking half my adhd meds, and I don't take them on off days (to cut costs and to go easy on my heart). Is that maybe a thing? Inconsistency?
I used to kinda live past my adhd blindspots, but nowadays they're very upfront and it's confronting. ("I was suposed to do X and forgot to do Y, and that stings").
Inconsistency of meds is definitely an issue with me. I used to do that, especially with the unending national shortage in the US, and insurance requirement to use a single pharmacy so I can't shop around for stock making it hard to get it consistently.
But I changed tactics. I got a scale that can measure milligrams (not that accurately, but well enough) and got a weekly pill case to help me remember or at least know when I skipped. I take 3/4 doses consistently rather than taking full doses and then rationing and eventually cutting off between prescriptions. I also had some surgery and was off for a couple of months, so I stopped taking it then. I got absolutely nothing done like I wanted to during that time, but it gave me a small stockpile to help with this plan to stay consistent. I wish I could take a full dose and be as productive and lower anxiety as I am at that proper dosage.
I probably could find an unethical psychiatrist who didn't care and would prescribe me higher doses so I could cut them and still have enough daily. But my intense Autism-driven ethical values hasn't let me do that yet. Plus it's really hard to find psychiatrists with openings that take insurance these days, so the ADHD keeps me from looking. LOL
I also get the desire to protect the cardiovascular system. I'm getting to that age where it's becoming even more of a concern. But, and this is just for me of course, I think if my choice is a few years less life but also with less anxiety, that's worth it. Maybe some day a better treatment will be available. Like Adderall is slightly better and slightly less harmful than Ritalin. But I think that won't be in my lifetime with the way drug companies work now. They only make long term treatment drugs and only for life threatening things so people will pay exorbitant amounts until they die. They don't research things that people can live with or try to cure anything anymore. Not that ADHD needs a cure, just a crutch to survive in culture that's hostile to neurodivergence, but that's also not a priority as it's not emergent enough for people to spend their life savings on, and not wide spread enough, like obesity, for enough people not spending their life savings on to make a profit.