Hey guys, I will try to make this short but it’s hard without giving full context. So I started talking to this guy roughly 1.5-2months ago, we initially met through a friend of a friend. We initially just did sexual stuff and then started talking more… over the time, I had been confused on what he wanted from me (relationship or not?). I’m gonna just put in dot jots of the things he has done through out that upset me and made me feel as if he didn’t care…
- when we first started talking and going out more often or whatever we had went to the movies and then at the end of the night I just wanted a nice quick hug so I was joking around laughing and I told him come give me a hugggg get outttt the car, and he didn’t bother. He made a comment saying “this isn’t a movie” or whatever. And I ended up slowly walking back to my car and he rolled up his window as soon as I got inside and left. This was also before we were clear that we are dating for intention of being partners
- mind you, I cut off my guy best friend irl and a long term gaming buddy I had for him, out of respect. So that also pisses me off that I feel disrespected by him and I did those things which I know is bare minimum and trust me, I don’t care to do those for someone I want to be with but for respect to not be reciprocated idk?
- 1-2 weeks before it was clear he wanted more, he made a “joke” or whatever he said he didn’t mean it that way where he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t be in a relationship because I’m not emotionally mature or wtv” and this because I told him that emotional maturity is a biggest thing I look for in a relationship
- he used to joke around and call me “dumb” “bitch” or whatever (I guess not in a serious way like we’d be doing a game or whatever) and then I ended up telling him I don’t like it and I think it’s rude. I ended up now telling him like ok whatever it’s fine like if we’re gaming or whatever it is cuz I do sometimes would say it back now so it doesn’t affect me as much in certain situations only.
- I feel like whenever I tell him about my feelings and things he does to upset me, he becomes combative. It’s like he starts making all these excuses. When I told him about everything he did, he started going one for one of why he did that, not even acknowledging how I’m feeling. It’s just like going back and forth with someone who doesn’t see what they did wrong, and he even says that he doesn’t know what he did and I need to tell him. Like it’s not that hard and I’m honestly tired of explaining
- tonight, I picked up these items from Facebook from this girl after work (11:30 pm) and she left it on her porch. I told him I’m going to be quickly picking up some stuff and he was chill about it over text and just saying oh why now? And I’m like well it’s only 7-10 min from my work and on my way back home. I shared my location with him and then he said to FaceTime him when I get there. I FaceTimed him as soon as I grabbed the bag as I just saw the message, and I let him know that I got them and I’m safe. And then he says something along the lines “so why are you FaceTiming me?” I’m like “what? U told me to” and says well u already got them so why” and was just having an attitude. And then he basically was telling me “dumbass” for going at night to grab stuff off Facebook and whatever and saying stuff like “it’s like those dumb bitches who go into the woods at 2 am and then something happens and people wonder omg why?” … I got upset after this and it made me cry because I don’t get why u have to call me these words.
And tbh, I never was treated like this by someone who supposedly likes me and see’s a future with me. It makes me upset because I want it to work and I know he’s a great guy and has a great soul underneath but there’s this part of him he seriously needs to work on or I am just being too extra/dramatic (as he says). I told him he upset me a lot tonight and just basically says “omg everything I do is bad” “you are taking it too far”….
Idk guys. I really like him and I’m supposed to meet his mom soon who really wants to meet me, I’m just getting emotionally exhausted tbh. And it’s not good for me to feel this way because I don’t want to end up fully not caring. Because that’s how it usually goes.
Hello Miss. I'm just some average 40-something elder millennial dude, and I can only speak from my own lived experience; for context, until recently, I hadn't had a relationship last more than a year, didn't go without a relationship for longer than 6 months, with one notable exception... So I've had a lot of experience with a lot of different types of people. I dunno if that is evidence that I have experience or that I suck in relationships. My current relationship is the exception, and we've been together more than 10 years. Needless to say, I've been in dozens of bad relationships, some lasted a lot longer than they should have.
My take is: you're young. Don't undervalue that. You're eager to get on with life, find a partner, and step into what comes after.... I get it, I was the same at 23. My advice, don't be in such a hurry about it. You'll get there, you don't have to be there right now, or with this person.
Understand that relationships fail more often than they succeed. If I'm not living proof of that, I don't know what is. IMO, you need to find a way to be okay with the reality that the majority of relationships will not end in death, it will end because you gave up on them, or they gave up on you.
To build on the previous: Realize that it's okay to fail. Failing at something is the first step to getting kind of good at something. Humans, as a whole, before the advent of structured teaching, could only learn by seeing, or doing, and often with either, failing (a lot). Failing at doing anything is not a flaw in you, it's not you failing, it's the way you, and every human before you, learned. So when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Learn from those failures. You'll grow as a person, and be better for it.
That being said, personally, I've maintained a policy throughout my life, that is simply: if you give me an ultimatum, you automatically lose. People who say that you can, or can't do something because if you do they'll leave (within reason, I'm not taking about illegal stuff here, just like, who you can be friends with...), those people suck by default. Anyone who does such things will continue to leverage that against you to control you. Unless you want every aspect of your life to be controlled by someone else, my advice is that anyone who would ask you to stop being friends with someone else, and threaten to leave if you don't, isn't someone who is your friend, and isn't someone worth knowing.
In the merit of ditching friends "out of respect" to this dude alone: run. Get as far away from this narcissistic controlling jerk as you can. It will not end with one friend here or there. You'll end up losing touch with all of your friends, family, and everyone who currently cares about you. It's not worth it. Do not let yourself be controlled like this. They will try to control your every waking moment... Not at first, but you'll wake up one day wondering why none of your friends talk to you anymore, and why you haven't heard from siblings in months or years.... And then you'll realize what I'm telling you right now: this dude is a controlling jerk that isn't worthy of your time, affection, nor intimacy. Get out.
That being said, the final decision is yours. I'd be a massive hypocrite if I said that you must do one thing or another, everything I've said is my opinion of what ought to happen next, and should not be considered to be, in any way, shape, or form, commands of what you are obligated to do. Understand that my statements come from a place of caring and concern for your mental and physical well being. I don't control you, and I wouldn't assume to have any actual sway on your decision.
If you decide to stay with him, then maybe I'm wrong and things will work themselves out. Who really knows. If I'm right, then you'll learn exactly what I'm telling you, for yourself.
From a random stranger on the Internet: Good luck, I wish you all the best.