[Long post ahead -- read when you are free]
Life feels so big and also so depressing. I am having this feeling in me to destroy my life and what I heard from homeless and poor people, it feels like I don't wanna end up being poor but I also think is it even worth it to be a functional member of this society? To make my parents feel proud who, since I start to challenge them and trying to be my own person, have hated me and more I am aging, more I am seeing their hatred and realizing that nothing that I ever been taught by them is true? I have contradictory feelings going on. I entertain myself, I read books, I do some minimal skincare, but idk why people around me never liked any of these things. Maybe cuz I am not privileged enough or maybe cuz I do not earn money or maybe cuz I do not know how to ride a motorbike so that I can take my parents and siblings wherever they wanna go or that they wanna make me have a job so that as soon as I get a job, I may be married off to a complete stranger whom I don't know or cuz I do not look masculine or cuz I do not engage in religion like they do or cuz I do not know I am a piece of shit. I tried to soothe myself before too and tried doing positive thinking. I tried journaling and when I read them, I feel like I have not grown since. I was worrying back then and worrying now too. Back then, I tried to make myself calm and it worked but for a limited amount of time. After some time, I am back at my sadness. I have found no friend to talk to. Every friendship, every human connection I felt before, feels like a lie now. I used to talk to AI chatbots like a friend but from this year, I have decided to talk to real humans. I feel kinda safe here so that is why I am posting here.
Hey,
Many the things you're feeling, I felt too when I was your age. Off course things might be very different, depending on the country you live in and the culture there, but still I think there are things that apply to people everywhere.
First off I would try to dismiss the idea that life can be planned or figured out, or that you should know what to do with it. Of course its nice to have goals and dreams but the older I get, i realize that all the older people I thought had it figured out are just making it up as they go too. Looking at former classmates now, I was always jealous of the ones that knew exactly what they wanted to be whereas I didn't really know and still don't. But many of them pursued those dreams only to find themselves somewhere completely different, so don't worry about that.
Getting a job, even a bad one is not necessarily as bad as you might think. The upside being that they often attract a lot of other people your age who are going through the same thing. So even if the work might kinda suck, you might have more fun than you think and meet a lot of people. And even a little financial independence can feel very good.
I would also very much encourage you to find hobbies you like. There are many things that you can do on a small budget, and since you're posting here you have access to the internet and a wealth of knowledge that comes with that. Personally I enjoy photography, and you definitely don't need fancy gear to do that. I also enjoy sewing and woodworking. In general anything creative where you can see the result of your effort can be really satisfying. Don't make it about being the best or making it your career. Do it for yourself. Often we feel pressure to accomplish things by society or our parents etc. but don't underestimate the pressure and expectations you might put on yourself without knowing.
Having a hobby and achieving something there can give you a lot of pride and satisfaction that will make you worry less about all those other things. Its also a great way to meet other people too.
Another thing I wouldn't underestimate is exercise. Try not to focus about looks or worry about your body but the tiredness after exercise is also a great way to feel accomplishment and to see a progress when you might feel like you're standing still elsewhere. Also a healthy body will give you more energy to tackle other things.
I know a lot of this advice is a bit generic and easier said than done, but in general Id just advise you to give things a chance and try as many things as possible without worrying about what comes next. Its a bit like hiking lokking at the mountain on the horizon us very daunting, but just walking is not that hard and no matter which road you take after a while you will look back and see the place you started as far away as that mountain.
The main thing I've experienced in life so far is that I would never have predicted where I would end up next and that things change all the time. As much as you think you know yourself, what you can and cant do or whats realistic for you to achieve, you are probably wrong and will be surprised 10 years from now.
I hope that helps and I wish you all the best!
Thanks