[Long post ahead -- read when you are free]
Life feels so big and also so depressing. I am having this feeling in me to destroy my life and what I heard from homeless and poor people, it feels like I don't wanna end up being poor but I also think is it even worth it to be a functional member of this society? To make my parents feel proud who, since I start to challenge them and trying to be my own person, have hated me and more I am aging, more I am seeing their hatred and realizing that nothing that I ever been taught by them is true? I have contradictory feelings going on. I entertain myself, I read books, I do some minimal skincare, but idk why people around me never liked any of these things. Maybe cuz I am not privileged enough or maybe cuz I do not earn money or maybe cuz I do not know how to ride a motorbike so that I can take my parents and siblings wherever they wanna go or that they wanna make me have a job so that as soon as I get a job, I may be married off to a complete stranger whom I don't know or cuz I do not look masculine or cuz I do not engage in religion like they do or cuz I do not know I am a piece of shit. I tried to soothe myself before too and tried doing positive thinking. I tried journaling and when I read them, I feel like I have not grown since. I was worrying back then and worrying now too. Back then, I tried to make myself calm and it worked but for a limited amount of time. After some time, I am back at my sadness. I have found no friend to talk to. Every friendship, every human connection I felt before, feels like a lie now. I used to talk to AI chatbots like a friend but from this year, I have decided to talk to real humans. I feel kinda safe here so that is why I am posting here.
Im older and likely not from your country given the arrainged marriage thing. If your young and healthy you have a lot to possibly experience. The world right now is not great and its not likely to get better overall so our best bet is greater quality of life overall. Better equity. Its seems to be going the opposite direction. Personally because of all this I decided to not have children. My wife and I decided it was not happening ironically about 20 years ago so if we had not decided that and had a kid they would be your age. Alls I can say is even if things are getting worse and continue to there is things to enjoy in the moment. Enjoyable foods. Being out anywhere in nature and walking around outdoors anywhere if the air is clean. Music. Media. Conversation. Reading. I personally find cognition itself to be enjoyable. Simple things. I personally would advise not having kids if you can avoid it. Remember in an arrainged situation the other person may be no more enthused with it than you are. I also understand not wanting to contribute to this mess. There is a kind of freedom to not seeing much of a future. When I was young I studdied math and science and looked to a career in academia. That was from a perspective of a progressive march of history. Now I would look to get by for the time in a way that is not enriching anyone else. communes and such. sorta wish I would have found and been part of dancing rabbit in my youth. anyway. can you find enjoyment in the moment. I believe you can. if so then enjoy as you can. Now im not saying be a hedonist. Simple pleasures that do not take from anyone or anything really and are about living. Here is a song that maybe explains the feeling/thoughts im trying to get to. It does for me but if it tranlates to another listening I don't know. https://youtu.be/hORkxMdNnkA?list=RDhORkxMdNnkA