Hey ladies.
Me. Again.
I’m sorry to be posting so frequently. I’m sort of scrambling to figure things out. I’ve already had to be corrected on how I word things, so I’m still learning, and I do apologize if I’m clogging this place up with stupid questions. This will be my last post for a while.
I am 34 now. And I could go on and on with examples after examples in my life of moments where I should have started wondering, but I’ve only learned this about myself recently.
I won’t give my life story, but I will say this: Most, if not all, trans women I’ve listened to have described a history of unpleasant feelings associated with their prescribed gender at birth. Some women talk about having always felt weird being called “he”. Some women describe not wanting to have a penis or testicles. Some have described puberty being a distressful time for them.
However, in my case my dysphoria (if indeed it’s dysphoria) has almost exclusively been envy. I was never actively disgusted by being called “he” or having lots of body hair. I was just super super envious of the girls who didn’t have it.
I’ve always had a more feminine cadence in online discussions like on discord or aol way back when. So that’s where I’ve always expressed myself truly on. It’s never bothered me to be called a man in person, but it does fill me with a lot of joy to be called “she”. A woman I’ve spoken with on discord has no idea I’m trans. She just knows I’m a woman, and she called me “girlie” the other day and I wanted to cry and squirm with excitement. I’m not sure if that’s weird.
It’s more like…indifference to masculinity with active joy from femininity. Being a man isn’t so much something I want to avoid as much as it is being a woman is something I exceedingly want to do.
I don’t know if that’s weird makes sense…
Hey sis,
Within queer communities there is a variety of perspectives on this very question, many of them come from a good faith start point, with differing recentnesses.
One is that dysphoria is the main thing affecting people in wanting to transition - to remove the bad body feelings.
Another is that some people might want to transition to attain a body better than they feel OK with - in that euphoria is determining.
Yet another might say it's not dysphoria or euphoria but purely 'vibes' by lack of a better word.
But what do I think?
If you ask me, much is valid but I've personally found euphoria to be a more useful measure. I didn't have great dysphoria initially (aside from the inability to carry out a pregnancy, which still very much breaks my own heart), though a lot of euphoria for the femme in general, and that's increased only more with me developing into the way I want it to be. And that helped me in realising that yes I'm trans and not an "impostor".
And... one more thing darling - a lot of (often trans and queer) people experience the same as you. You're not alone 💜
I think part of it is caused by dated institutions, — who by lack for a better word — intentionally or unintentionally tend to 'gatekeep' being transgender behind very rigid definitions. This is due to the influences of prior rigid gender-segregationist societies, in where there was no space for us at all to be ourselves; and only very gradually did that start to restore to be more open.
Addendum on impostor syndrome
I'd also argue a few non-queer (cishet, allo) people also may experience impostor feelings, but it's rooted in different things. Think of the looksmaxxing and pressure to grow muscles, or to "man up" (am I a real man if I am not misogynist and tell my feelings?). Or the pressure for lip fillers, very heavy makeup, having to give birth or be damned.And to that, I say: I think real men are tender, may or may not have muscles, and are confident in who they are.It's like how some guys sometimes address each other with babe, have homoerotic experiences, and hug and are accepting of others.
I think that enbies, like bies, do not need to conform to either 'gender image'. Nor are they confused: they know what they are.
I think that vice versa, real women come up for themselves, work, and don't need some influencer to force a child out of their womb. They decide for themselves what life they want. A man is not a sperm bank, a woman is not a incubator, and an enby isn't confused. Finding emotional security and being supportive of each other helps a lot.
Norms versus feelings
I suspect that in both cases, there is a conflict between one's own true feelings, and the pressure to conform to perceived societal norms. It's why prior to cracking my egg, I lifted a lot. That doesn't mean everyone whose egg cracks also has the same experiences and difficulties: some people crack as a queer identity, some as cishet people and all are great. What is important is growing inclusive along your found identity.
What's the difference?
The difference though, is that for queer people, there is also a marginalised position we overcome, and that the feelings we've had, often are much deeper, possibly lingering with hints throughout more of our life, whether always present or growing as an airtight bottle being filled until it has to crack. We also don't have the same ease of access to our identity being acknowledged.
For non-queer people, this is almost a given. There aren't really cishet "coming outs", there isn't a need to change gender, names (save for divorce or threats) or get affirming medication (and when they want it, it's relatively easy to get some dick-upper or additional meds). Custody, swimming, toilets; privilege occurs in more ways than one realises. And this isn't something to be ashamed for; but it is something we should collectively address.
When we address that privilege, we also may hopefully someday not need to ask: "am I a real woman/man/enby?", and both queer and non-queer lives are then the easier for it.