Hey ladies.
Me. Again.
I’m sorry to be posting so frequently. I’m sort of scrambling to figure things out. I’ve already had to be corrected on how I word things, so I’m still learning, and I do apologize if I’m clogging this place up with stupid questions. This will be my last post for a while.
I am 34 now. And I could go on and on with examples after examples in my life of moments where I should have started wondering, but I’ve only learned this about myself recently.
I won’t give my life story, but I will say this: Most, if not all, trans women I’ve listened to have described a history of unpleasant feelings associated with their prescribed gender at birth. Some women talk about having always felt weird being called “he”. Some women describe not wanting to have a penis or testicles. Some have described puberty being a distressful time for them.
However, in my case my dysphoria (if indeed it’s dysphoria) has almost exclusively been envy. I was never actively disgusted by being called “he” or having lots of body hair. I was just super super envious of the girls who didn’t have it.
I’ve always had a more feminine cadence in online discussions like on discord or aol way back when. So that’s where I’ve always expressed myself truly on. It’s never bothered me to be called a man in person, but it does fill me with a lot of joy to be called “she”. A woman I’ve spoken with on discord has no idea I’m trans. She just knows I’m a woman, and she called me “girlie” the other day and I wanted to cry and squirm with excitement. I’m not sure if that’s weird.
It’s more like…indifference to masculinity with active joy from femininity. Being a man isn’t so much something I want to avoid as much as it is being a woman is something I exceedingly want to do.
I don’t know if that’s weird makes sense…
tldr: no
as for a long answer from me:
dysphoria takes different look in every trans person, many align with the typical thoughts of not liking their privates, wishing to be smaller/larger, disliking their voice, etc etc. some take shape in more subtle ways, myself included up until about 6 months into transition.
for my whole life up to age 18 I thought "I wish I was born a girl, but it is how it is I guess", never really hated my body or name or anything, but was indifferent. that thought process for me changed a lot once I socially came out, but it doesnt for everyone! gender is complex and not many land in the binary when transitioning.
if being a woman would leave you with a happier life, I would go for it. you only get one, make the most of it and be who you want to be :) I am so much happier after coming out, and it just feels right.
fun little story that popped up in my head today too:
when I was like 7 ish? i had an eyelash come out on my finger, my sister saw this and told me that I get to make a wish. but I couldn't say it or it wouldnt come true.well, I wished to become a girl. and it took a damn while but it came true!! never told anyone that story till a year ago or so, and still need to tell my sister about it :)
oh my god that story is adorable
it also unlocked a memory i'd buried years ago
i had a recurring dream every so often for quite a few years starting when i was maybe 9 or so, in which somebody (nondescript) died and then later there was a girl who would return from the graveyard and just happily joined into the rest of whatever the rest of the dream was.i'd always wake up from these with a really weird and uncomfortable feeling in my gut, which is probably the only reason i can remember them at all, although i haven't thought about this in at least 5 years. only now does it occur to me that the "someone" who died was probably me and the girl who came back was also me...