Hey there beautiful people, I'm questioning my gender (again) and this time, I don't know how to find an answer that feels right. In the past, I've questioned myself before and came to the conclusion that yes, I'm comfortable bring a cis guy. Recently, however, I've been questioning it again, and I can't seem to come to a conclusion that makes sense to me. Sorry if this isn't the right place for it, but this seems like the best community to consult
Overall, I feel comfortable in my body. I never really had any dysphoria, so I kinda just assumed that meant I was cis, but I've come to realize that's not always the case. I heard a better question is "would being a girl bring you euphoria", and that's a much harder question for me to answer. Growing up, I was always fairly in-touch with my feminine side: never shy to play with girl toys in school, always felt like I bonded better with my friends that were were girls, and occasionally wore skirts and dresses in public because it was fun. Back when I used reddit, I always enjoyed the r/egg_irl memes, but I didnt necessary relate, I just felt like marge simpson saying "I just think it's neat".
At the same time, I never really "wanted" to be a girl, but I also never "wanted" to be a guy, it's just what happened. It's hard for me to answer "would being a girl bring you euphoria" because I don't know what it would be like. I'm comfortable being a guy, but I can't say there's anything specific that I like about it, other than easier social norms and such. I've heard of "the button" thought experiment, where if you could press a button and instantly transform into the opposite gender, would you? I find my brain wants to know other information about the thought experiment rather than addressing the core question (for example: can i press it again to turn back?), and idk if that's just because I can be very focused on the analytical and practicality of things, or if it's because it's a hard question for me to answer.
I'm hoping to get some advice, but even through the course of writing this, it's becoming more and more clear to me that I'm probably not 100% cis. I'm pretty sure most cis people dont put this much thought into it, but if I'm not cis, then what am I? I still don't have any clue.
In case you haven't already, I suggest reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible. When the realization first hit me that I might be trans, it wasn't until I read the bible that I realized a lot of what I had been experiencing for years was actually dysphoria and not standard issue depression. I had questioned my gender on and off for years, never really feeling like my gender was a problem for me, and it wasn't until I finally experienced something 1:1 from a comic about someone realizing they were trans that I finally realized it could be.
After I read the bible, I knew HRT was for me, and I started transitioning at a speed I thought was a fucking rocket ship because the only reference I had was my friend who took a couple years to go from cis to HRT, and I took 4 months. I went by a new name and new pronouns in about 2 weeks because I had been thinking about it for years apparently and had already mentally prepared myself for all these decisions without realizing it. The point of this paragraph is both speeds, and any other is equally valid so long as you're happy and comfortable with it.
On the theme of you being happy and comfortable, that's all that really matters in your transition! Hopefully the process isn't too hard for you, but we'll be here for support when you need! ❤️