Hey there beautiful people, I'm questioning my gender (again) and this time, I don't know how to find an answer that feels right. In the past, I've questioned myself before and came to the conclusion that yes, I'm comfortable bring a cis guy. Recently, however, I've been questioning it again, and I can't seem to come to a conclusion that makes sense to me. Sorry if this isn't the right place for it, but this seems like the best community to consult
Overall, I feel comfortable in my body. I never really had any dysphoria, so I kinda just assumed that meant I was cis, but I've come to realize that's not always the case. I heard a better question is "would being a girl bring you euphoria", and that's a much harder question for me to answer. Growing up, I was always fairly in-touch with my feminine side: never shy to play with girl toys in school, always felt like I bonded better with my friends that were were girls, and occasionally wore skirts and dresses in public because it was fun. Back when I used reddit, I always enjoyed the r/egg_irl memes, but I didnt necessary relate, I just felt like marge simpson saying "I just think it's neat".
At the same time, I never really "wanted" to be a girl, but I also never "wanted" to be a guy, it's just what happened. It's hard for me to answer "would being a girl bring you euphoria" because I don't know what it would be like. I'm comfortable being a guy, but I can't say there's anything specific that I like about it, other than easier social norms and such. I've heard of "the button" thought experiment, where if you could press a button and instantly transform into the opposite gender, would you? I find my brain wants to know other information about the thought experiment rather than addressing the core question (for example: can i press it again to turn back?), and idk if that's just because I can be very focused on the analytical and practicality of things, or if it's because it's a hard question for me to answer.
I'm hoping to get some advice, but even through the course of writing this, it's becoming more and more clear to me that I'm probably not 100% cis. I'm pretty sure most cis people dont put this much thought into it, but if I'm not cis, then what am I? I still don't have any clue.
You sound a whole lot like I did before HRT. I still don't have a particularly strong attachment to any specific gender identity, but it turns out estrogen can do wonders for your mental health even if you're nonbinary. It's also worth mentioning that you can take it for weeks or possibly even months with no permanent physical changes, test HRT out and if it doesn't improve your life you can just stop taking it.