Hey there beautiful people, I'm questioning my gender (again) and this time, I don't know how to find an answer that feels right. In the past, I've questioned myself before and came to the conclusion that yes, I'm comfortable bring a cis guy. Recently, however, I've been questioning it again, and I can't seem to come to a conclusion that makes sense to me. Sorry if this isn't the right place for it, but this seems like the best community to consult
Overall, I feel comfortable in my body. I never really had any dysphoria, so I kinda just assumed that meant I was cis, but I've come to realize that's not always the case. I heard a better question is "would being a girl bring you euphoria", and that's a much harder question for me to answer. Growing up, I was always fairly in-touch with my feminine side: never shy to play with girl toys in school, always felt like I bonded better with my friends that were were girls, and occasionally wore skirts and dresses in public because it was fun. Back when I used reddit, I always enjoyed the r/egg_irl memes, but I didnt necessary relate, I just felt like marge simpson saying "I just think it's neat".
At the same time, I never really "wanted" to be a girl, but I also never "wanted" to be a guy, it's just what happened. It's hard for me to answer "would being a girl bring you euphoria" because I don't know what it would be like. I'm comfortable being a guy, but I can't say there's anything specific that I like about it, other than easier social norms and such. I've heard of "the button" thought experiment, where if you could press a button and instantly transform into the opposite gender, would you? I find my brain wants to know other information about the thought experiment rather than addressing the core question (for example: can i press it again to turn back?), and idk if that's just because I can be very focused on the analytical and practicality of things, or if it's because it's a hard question for me to answer.
I'm hoping to get some advice, but even through the course of writing this, it's becoming more and more clear to me that I'm probably not 100% cis. I'm pretty sure most cis people dont put this much thought into it, but if I'm not cis, then what am I? I still don't have any clue.
You could be some flavour of Non-Binary (enby) if you're not feeling necessarily aligned to man/woman which would still fall under the trans umbrella :p
A lot of people sometimes wrongly assume being enby always means not aligning with any gender, but that's just one of a good few different types: Agender, Bi-Gender (both), Genderfluid (flow back and forth between 2 or more genders over time) etc too name a few. It could be worth researching them and seeing if they align better with how you feel. Enbys can still tilt one way or another while still feeling not fully rooted in any specific box.
But regardless on if binary or enby, sometimes we can find ourselves suppressing how we feel ourselves growing up only to not be able suppress it any longer later in life as cracks start forming in the walls we put up. Funnily for me, looking back I had too many signs to count as a kid but with so much what I had to deal with and worry about, it was easy to suppress. But with a better environment in my late teens and early 20s, and finally dealing with my at the time undiagnosed ADHD, my head was a lot clearer to be able to confront how and who I am. For me, I had never really felt comfortable being seen or described as a man, never felt comfortable having the social expectations out on me for it, never liked my name, always felt off about my body (hated the body hair, devastated when my voice dropped, always felt something was missing from my body even though I learned to just tolerate it with everything else going on - though I'm lucky my body still had a bit more of a feminine frame to it so I can appear more in the middle despite the issues). I when I was younger thought I was "comfortable", but over time realised I wasn't. The "comfort" wasn't really that, but now a sense of apathy towards myself, feeling as though my body had gone in the wrong direction but feeling no way to stop it so just giving up, especially with everything else I was dealing with. That took a while to unpack and confront. Enbys can still go HRT too which is widely accepted and helped by gender healthcare, or you may choose not to
But with all that, I still feel like I don't really fit 100% in either box, (though for me I'd say I'm 75% in the feminine box and 25% out of both). I currently go with genderfluid (between Woman and Agender), describing myself as a transfem enby as I lean heavily towards fem, though I am still in the process of figuring that out, and figuring out if the "agender" part is really just my apathy "given up" state that I've been slowly rejecting as I accepted and presented more fem...
I say all of this about my journey, more as an example. Maybe it's something you can relate to in ways, maybe not at all. We all have our own journeys and our own questions to answer. But my point is that there isn't one designated path to being trans, we're all still unique in our experiences and who we are, and that journey can sometimes take a while :)
Don't worry too much about not being able to pin exactly what and who you are so soon, sometimes this journey takes a while. It's a sense of personal introspection that most people don't even consider doing and everyone is kinda taught not to for so long in our lives that it's obviously going to take a bit of time when you do.
Maybe in your journey, you figure out you are trans, and maybe that's binary, or maybe it's non-binary. Maybe you ultimately figure out you're cis but just happy to really embrace your feminine side, ultimately that's a question only you can answer, but you don't need to answer it immediately. Take your time, look into the different trans identifies, see if any speak to you more. You could also try with identifying with one for a few weeks, or try with different pronouns (like online or with friends, trialing they/them, she/her etc, see how it feels, if it sticks or feels off. And of course, as you've done with this post, ask questions with other trans people, we've all gone through this or similar paths before and can hopefully help!
Good luck in your own journey though! Even if it feels you're unsure where you are at now, you will figure it out in time, whatever the answer ends up being for you :)