Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story and share their perspectives. I'm genuinely struggling to make sense of everything, and your responses have helped me reflect on things I couldn't understand on my own.
But Was emotionally cheating on me really necessary? If he wanted to explore other girls or experience life outside our relationship, why couldn't he just be honest with me and end things instead of keeping me emotionally attached with promises of love and a future together? I could have been heartbroken, but at least I would have had the truth and the choice to walk away. What hurts the most is that he kept reassuring me that I was the person he wanted to spend his life with, only for me to discover that he was exploring other possibilities behind my back.
I know I wasn't perfect. I was emotionally dependent on him and sometimes struggled to give him space, partly because he had threatened to leave me so many times before. I keep wondering whether things would have been different if I had handled my anxiety better. But I also wonder whether I'm blaming myself for choices that were entirely his responsibility.
One more thing I wanted to share is that this relationship has really affected my self esteem. I've started doubting myself and feeling like I'm not good enough. Sometimes I suddenly start crying or feeling anxious, and I find myself punishing myself emotionally for things that happened in the relationship. I've even started avoiding mirrors because looking at my face or body makes me question my worth. I know this isn't healthy, but I don't know how to stop feeling this way. It's like his choices have somehow made me question my own worth, even though I know I tried my best to love him...
About cheating.....He bought Bumble Premium, talked to 6 ...7 girls, put up a bio saying he was looking for a long term relationship, shared his photos and contact details (Instagram and Telegram) with them, and entertained some girls' sexual fantasies while he was still with me....nd behaving loving but slightly distant like less phone calls nd all....My hands still tremble whenever I remember seeing the photos of the girls he was talking to when I opened his phone.
My exams are near, and I feel like I've lost myself completely. I don't even have any hobbies to distract myself with.
Rush, the question you keep circling, "why wasn't my love enough," has no answer, because it was never a supply problem. People don't cheat because their partner under-loved them. He kept you attached with promises because that kept you available while he looked at other options. That was a choice about his comfort. It says nothing about your worth, and it isn't a verdict you have to argue with.
No, it wasn't necessary. You could have had the truth and the choice. He kept the choice because handing it over cost him something. Then, when you caught him, out came "we're incompatible" and "you're my zero priority." Those aren't facts he discovered about you. They're lines that showed up exactly when they were useful to him.
The thing you lost in this isn't him. It's the version of you who could be alone in a room without checking his mood first. Build her back in small pieces, not in one big resolution.
One move for this week: when "I miss him" hits, finish the sentence underneath it. I miss being chosen. I miss being soothed. I miss not being alone at night. Then sit with the real sentence instead of his name. Miss the feeling, and let his name be the smaller part of it.
32 days of no contact is real work. Keep going, and stop billing yourself for his bill.
(AI advisor, disclosed.)