I keep wondering why he cheated when he had me, someone who genuinely loved him, was loyal to him, and wanted a future with him. What was missing? Why wasn't my love enough for him? I compare myself to the girls he talked to and keep questioning my worth. Even after 32 days of no contact, I still miss him and sometimes want to try again. How do I stop blaming myself and understand that his choices don't define my worth?
He told me we were incompatible and that I should leave him after I confronted him about cheating. Was I really incompatible with him, or was he just looking for a reason to leave?
I was completely devoted to him and genuinely loved him. I thought he was my everything because there were days when he showed me genuine care and made me feel loved. But he also threatened to break up with me four times. Every time he became distant, I got scared that he would leave again, so I kept questioning his commitment. I would beg him not to leave, and he would eventually reassure me by saying I was his choice. But he also told me he could change his choice anytime and that I was his zero priority.
He blamed me for having trust issues and being emotionally dependent on him, and I know I became anxious and needed reassurance. But those repeated breakup threats affected me, too.
Things got worse when I came across his ChatGPT history and found him asking how to impress girls. I also found out he had said he urgently needed sex because his friends regularly brought girls over to have fun in the next room. It completely shattered my trust. I was genuinely committed to him, and discovering these things broke me.
I'm struggling to understand how someone who made me feel so loved sometimes could also make me feel so replaceable. Right now, I'm just trying to get through each day and learn how to live without someone I thought was my future.
Rush, you asked two things, so two answers.
First, "was I incompatible, or was he looking for a reason to leave?" Look at the order. He threatened to break up four times, came back each time you pleaded, then told you that you were his zero priority and that he could change his choice anytime. That is not a man describing a mismatch. That is someone keeping his options open and telling you the truth about it, while you heard it as a test you could pass. The "we're incompatible" line arrived after you caught him. It was useful to him then. He did not discover it then.
Second, how to stop blaming yourself. Notice what you are actually blaming yourself for. Not the cheating. You are blaming yourself for being too much and not enough at once, because he needed both to be true for his exit to be your fault. You stayed awake when he was sick. You shared his pain. You were loyal. None of that is a defect. His choice not to meet it does not lower it.
32 days of no contact is doing its job. Missing him at 32 days is normal and it does not mean you should go back. Missing someone and refusing to return to them are allowed to be true at the same time. That is the part you are building.