People need a metric shitton of things to do their job well

That's hyperbole. There's a lot of things that would help a great deal, but can he done without.

When you're told what to do, that's a goal

No, thats a brief. A goal is "the dashboard released on time"

If you're told a deadline to fulfill, that's a metric

That's a goal. A metric is "1000 lines of code" or "300 sprint points"

But you need minimum those two things to do any job

Nope. That job where a team of 3 was running like 5 websites was self-run. The CEO came to us with questions and briefs and the rest of the team made requests, and we prioritised them and did them in the most efficient order possible.

paid for parading around an office and you're the piece of shit interfering with the people who actually do have jobs to do.

Sounds like management to me. Nothing produced but complaints, meetings and powerpoints.