this post was submitted on 25 Oct 2023
1020 points (96.8% liked)

Not The Onion

12358 readers
199 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
kescusay@lemmy.world
1020
'Scripture is very clear': New House Speaker tells Congress God has 'ordained' them (www.alternet.org)
submitted 1 year ago by seaQueue@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
322 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, in his first remarks after being elected Wednesday afternoon, told Members of Congress that “Scripture” and “the Bible” are clear that they have been “ordained” by God.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] Tavarin@lemmy.ca 22 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Nah, just the Abrahmic god that decided to flood the world and kill nearly everyone on it innocent or not.

[–] jeremyparker@programming.dev 18 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

"Kill your son."

"What...?"

"Do it, prove to me that you care more about doing what I say than you do about your own son."

"Are you serious? That's horrible."

"Fucking do it. You want to spend infinite lifetimes in permanent anguish? Kill him. Now. Cut him open on that big flat rock over there. Gut him with a big fuck off knife, like a sword or something. Slice him up."

"But he's my son, I live him."

"Sharpen the knife first then. Kill him, or I kill you, and him, and the rest of your family."

"Ok, but, ffs, this is insane..."

"Haha I was just foolin, you don't have to. I was just joshin. Just joshin with ya."

"Should I... Do you want me to kill my son or..."

"WTF no! I was just messing around. But seriously don't ever disobey me or you're fucking done."

[–] madcaesar@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

God douche: It was just a prank dude! Since 7th centru AD!

[–] reverendsteveii@lemm.ee 3 points 1 year ago

Impractical Deities be like "Okay Sal, now tell him to bring his kid up to the top of the mountain and kill it."