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tweet by Johann Hari: The core of addiction is not wanting to be present in life, because pour life is too painful a place to be. This is why imposing more pain or punishment on a person with an addiction problem actually makes their addiction worse.
Just gotta keep feeling the pain, even though you’ve got the means to end it right there. You have to be willing and able to deal with whatever it is that makes you recoil and reach for the pipe whenever it enters your mind.
I’ve had a few days where I decided to stay sober and I just spend hours and hours thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made and how I can’t unmake them and how twisted up my social responses are and then there’s calculation about whether to kill myself and I’m like “fuck this” and grab the pipe, and then I just feel comfortable, and play some video games, and fuck around on reddit, and eat a huge amount of food to make me pass out.
At work it’s not so bad because Im always busy but at home it’s either high or hell of my own making.