Selfhosted
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Why would you sort through instances? The communities you want to interact with are still on the big instances... Just let the federation do the talking rather than directly communicating to the instance.
I see what you mean with the other point though. In that case people need to step off the lemmy.ml instance and move somewhere else to lighten the current load.
Based on figures I've seen from other instances though it doesn't take all that much cpu/ram to handle a metric boatload of users. The issue seems to be postgres tuning(which could be storage latency/bandwidth) and storage space.