Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
view the rest of the comments
My mom was diagnosed with Ekbom Syndrom. She's been forced into early retirement because of it, but she doesn't have retirement, she's pulled out from it too many times.
I'm terrified I won't be able to support us both. I make only 62k, and I'm still paying off student loans from 20 years ago.
I wish I had other family to help me with the costs, but there's no one. I do have a brother, but he doesn't work and has spent the last 20 years living with my mom and playing video games. She was supporting them both. And don't think he's helping to care for her either.
I've talked her into moving states so that she's near me and I can help her more with stuff, so we're selling her very dilapidated house this summer. Because my brother destroys thing and she doesn't have the funds for upkeep, I don't think she'll be getting much from the sale.
My mom has been telling my brother she's going to buy him a house and I had to be the one to sit him down and tell him he'll be lucky to get a trailer, because she doesn't have any money. Once we sell her current house, that's it. She'll have that to buy something of her own, and if there's something leftover and I can't talk her out of it, maybe he'll get something for 50k.
I look at other friends with ailing parents and see the help they have from their siblings or family members, and I writhe with jealousy. Meanwhile my mom is digging imaginary parasites from her arms and feels like I think she's crazy.
Parent care is incredibly difficult.... the exhaustion, always feeling like you're failing, .... I followed a couple of Reddit subs while we were caring for our moms and that was a nice outlet to vent without judgement. Try to take time for yourself, even if it's just a walk outside to let your brain relax.
Can I ask which subs you followed? It would be nice to speak to others who understand. I still use reddit on my desktop.
I followed r/dementia and i think either r/caregivers or r/caregiversupport.
While I don't mean this as a diagnosis, the last person I knew who did that was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. Although getting mental health care can be a challenge in itself, let alone for someone who doesn't want to.
Luckily I don't think that's the route her mind is going. The ekboms was brought on by extreme work stress, and she's already showing some signs of healing after being pulled from work. But it's certainly crossed my mind.
Why would your brother possibly get money yet bear no financial responsibility to help?
Because my mom is an enabler, and she bears a lot of guilt over who she chose as our father and how he treated my brother. My brother and I both had a lot of emotional issues, and where I chose to get help and fix my issues, he hasn't.
Even if my brother agreed to help financially, he couldn't. He hasn't had a job in over a decade. Granted, he's going to have to get a job once mom moves, but he'll probably never earn more than barely keeping himself afloat. My mom says she just wants to make sure he has a place to live the rest of his life.
As for my mom, well, she's an adult, and other than her ekbom diagnosis, she's of sound mind. She makes her own choices, and I can only give my input. Can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.
Thanks for the explanation. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this.
Something I learned from the "other site" personal finance sub: You are not responsible for your mother's debt, do not make any payments directly for any of her debt, or else that's enough in some states for debtors to then go after you.There's other tips and tricks to keep your finances separate from your mother's, don't feel bad looking after yours as the primary priority. Remember: A caregiver that's completely exhausted (either physically/mentally/financially) can't take care of anybody, so remember to take care of yourself first. I hope things get better for the both of us, I'm in a similar boat.