this post was submitted on 15 Feb 2024
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I don't know your friend, but I just don't like people touching me in general. I've had people get upset that I won't hug them, but my boundaries are valid and should be respected. Not everyone wants to hug.
I understand where you're coming from, and your boundaries should be respected. Which is why I did not make an issue out of it. Like I said, we're still very good friends. And when he waved me off I just laughed awkwardly back and went with it.
And...I know him really well. It isn't that he doesn't like being touched. He, like a lot of men in America, is super phobic about anything within 500 miles of "gay".
That phobia shit is ridiculous. My first roommate was an openly gay guy (I'm straight), and the number of questions I got about my living situation or discomfort some clowns had about coming over was absurd. I thought folks had gotten somewhat better about it by now, but I guess not. Sad to hear.
You're secure with yourself, they are insecure.
You're friend might be afraid of "gay" touching, I wouldn't know. But I do think that can also be an easy way to explain away someone's boundaries without understanding the complexity of the behaviors involved.
I have fairly strong boundaries, and as a general rule I don't want people hugging me. This isn't because there is something sexual about the hug, but because I don't want the unwelcome close physical contact. A lot of people get to the point of welcoming that kind of contact faster than I do, and that's fine, good for them. But that doesn't make my comfort level less valid. And critically, one thing that makes it so hard is the social expectation, the idea that there is something wrong with saying no, and the implication that you should let people do these things that make you uncomfortable. In fact some people will ignore those boundaries and act like it's doing you a favor, as though willfully inflicting themselves on others is supposed to make people less defensive.
And yet, if someone is having a hard time and needs an arm around their shoulder, I'm there. I will absolutely hug someone who is hurting and needs to be comforted. I'm a very caring person, and I don't have a problem with that kind of physical contact when it's for someone else's benefit, as long as it's my choice to offer it.
Sexuality only really enters into it in that a bit of sexual attraction can also quickly overcome those boundaries. It's easy to welcome intimate contact with someone when a primitive part of your brain is trying to nudge you into doing whatever it takes to get this person naked and pressed against you. It's a specific desire overriding the general preference for boundaries, not the context for all physical contact.
I think the key difference is whether or not a man rejects hugs only from men or from all people. I’ve met plenty of people who aren’t huggers - male and female - who don’t like being hugged by anyone except maybe intimate partners or close family members, but if a man is only afraid of getting hugs from men then that’s a separate issue from general bodily autonomy.
Same, I don’t even like handshakes. I’ll happily accept a fist bump. I’m different around my wife and kid, because I don’t open up like that for just anyone—not even the rest of my family, long story I don’t feel like telling. Doesn’t mean I’m not emotionally unavailable; on the contrary, my coworkers are happy to have me on their team because I am very much the opposite of that, I am empathetic and just want everyone’s day to go by as smoothly as it can.