Music last night has given me this great sense of peace today. Things are going to be OK โค๏ธ
this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2024
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so many hugs ๐
you deserve this
I need to dump this somewhere so please ignore these very long rambles. This has been a week.
very angry venting
Still bitter and angry about the 15% rent increase and the consequent spiraling of how much it costs to exist. Part of me wants to move on and settle it asap and block it from my brain and beat myself into submission, another wants to distract myself from it completely, both want to get away from the volcano of absolute rage that's ready to spiral out of control and burn everything in its path.
Alright, let's have at it: FUCK you, LL, for trying to come across as understanding or nice, you are NOT my friend, I believe NOTHING about how much you "value" me because if you did you wouldn't be slugging a fucking $75/week increase BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO MAXIMISE YOUR PROFIT OUT OF PEOPLE'S NEED TO HOUSE THEMSELVES. This is not a relationship you "value" by demanding more money JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. Just keep it to what it is, this is a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP and if you had a smidgeon of empathy you wouldn't fucking highball it at first opportunity. Fuck the fuck off with your attempt to be personable and magnanimous. I will keep my angry outbursts here because I'm not an idiot and I will stay civil but I will NOT grovel. I will be offering absolutely no more leeway on inspections, maintenance, etc. And fuck if I'm going to do a complete spotless clean of the place when I leave - I'm claiming my bond the second I'm out and you can fucking take it to vcat over fair wear and tear for how much you've fucking earned from me over the years especially as you don't even need to pay REA fees. You will get absolutely no more energy from me. You've taken enough. Go get fucked and I hope you DO get worse tenants here on out who make your life a nightmare. Enjoy being a bloodsucking leech.
and now for the part where I try to calm myself down
Sigh.. Okay. Now the positive of this whole shitshow is, it puts some fire under my arse to sort out my job situation and motivates me to finish up my business in Melbourne and get the fuck out. I've been wanting a change in scenery for ages - first it was "once lockdowns are over", then "once I get PR", then "once I quit my job", then "once my niece settles in"... but this time is it: once I finish up uni in June I am GONE. I knew that studying would involve an earning hit and it was something I needed to invest in for myself. That I'd need to pay myself a bit to get it done.
So, here it is. I'm going to honour my commitment... but the clock has been set. I've been drifting for quite a while trying to get from one week to the next... now at least I know I am approaching the end of a chapter. Closure is coming. I won't forever be stuck in this helltrap of running faster and faster just to stay in place. I will slam the book shut on all the covid/work/friendship yucks, and clear out space in my life for a fresh start. There is relief and determination and growth amidst the anger, and the deep-seated fear and anxiety of not feeling safe and secure of my own housing. I used to feel sad about possibly leaving Melbourne some day, selling up my things, giving away my plants: now I'm honestly ready. will change the narrative. I do not have control over everything, but I will not be a victim; I have so many more options than I used to... I have value beyond paying off someone else's mortgage. I will not be beaten down into misery. I will change the narrative.
and now for some practical steps forward...
- Cathartic release/dump so I can feel okay enough to go back into my home - tick.
- drs appt for mental health referral - tick.
- Look at cost of comparable rentals in area as benchmark.
- Look at what my finances and working capacity is; budget for mental health.
- Come up with compromise rental $ amount, take a deep breath, and send brief email to LL. Remind myself I will have 60 days from official notice. I will be OK.
- check EBA for notice period for job I have to quit
- Draft resignation letter and handover actions
- Schedule chat with other job about bringing hours up
- Start writing down moving out ideas. Who gets what. Which things to sell off. What services to cancel. Clearing out the pantry slowly. Etc.
I need to keep telling myself - I got this. This will be a challenging period going forward. Thank heavens for the cat. Speaking of:
and now for something completely different
Number one. The White Area of Do-Not-Touch.
All I can say is I feel the abject rage towards REs and LLs in my soul and relate hard.
I believe in you, and the list and changes you want to fulfill and make happen. You are intelligent and strong, and you will find peace and happiness away from this place ๐
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Oh to be content as a small cat in a shoebox.
Have a great night everyone โค๏ธ
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got home at 1, up at 8:30 for breakfast and movie, home at 1 again tonight, alarm at 4 to see if aurora is here and whether sky is clear
GRINDSET
I fucking love Saturdays. Back to bed!
Edit: glad I got rid of the work profile on my phone.
My favourite sat thing is to get up at 6am like normal, open blinds, brush teeth etc then crawl back into bed
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Woke up early but was still all puffy and congested and emotional from last night's shock email. Trying not to let anger take over and focusing on the good things... grateful that I'm catching up with a friend today. Parking in Carlton has really changed. Nearly everything is 2P till 7pm, all my good weekend street parking spots are gone. Fair enough, I just wish there was better PT connection - the new train stations can't open soon enough.
I got the first assessment back yesterday. I passed. I'm still working on the other 2 which were due on Monday (but I got an extension).
Assessment 2 is a simple research report. I've done the first 3 questions (12 total), and so far I've spent about 4ish hours on the 4th. It's just now dawning on me that it's probably mostly wasted effort. There aren't grades, it's just a pass/fail, and my trainer isn't a harsh marker. It doesn't really matter how much detail I put into it, I'll pass either way.
But it seems I forgot about that and turned it into an entire essay. It is currently 803 words, when it really doesn't need to be more than 300-400. And I'm only a third of the way through
Why did I do that
Because you care about the work you submit, and you want to demonstrate an understanding of the subject matter.
It's okay, I tend to over study too, even though I don't have the time but I'm keen to learn each subject, not just pass it. Welcome to the world of adult learning, Baku, where you feel like a dumbass for caring about what you submit!
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Doing extra is never wasted effort. It might not be necessary for the specific report you are doing, but what you learn creates a much better foundation for your future learning, both within the course and in life in general. The things you will be doing in the future will all build on the knowledge you are gaining now, so the less thorough you are now the more you will struggle in the future.
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Look on the bright side. Writing more is a lot harder than having to condense and prune an essay.
What might make it easier for you to condense is it focus on making sure you address the key points and see if youโve duplicated or waffled on about something.
Or see if you make an answer to something concise and straight to the point without being too descriptive.
IE. I walked to my car staring at the sunlight coming down through the clouds, I steadily took my time taking steps slowly to my car and opened the door and sat down then I started my engine and began my journey to the new world.
Short version: I walked to my car and started the engine and drove off.
Just make sure if itโs the assignment is asking you to address points that they are addressed and not skipped over.
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There is a vast difference between learning the subject and writing to the question. It is both depressing and hilarious I once got an HD for an essay on a book I didnโt read. Make of that โฆ
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Iโve done nothing today. This probably isnโt helping my physical health or my mood, but the inertia. ๐
Jesus. The thunder is really coming down now.
So loud
Taking my son to watch Seven Samurai at the Astor tomorrow.
Fatherly nerdy bonding
Ah that's a sleep in for me! Think I've got shopping on the agenda for today, Elder Minipeeler wants some new clothes. Miniest needs some too, she's got this habit of chewing her shirts. But she's decided to take up crocheting in the past couple of days so she's stopped chewing her shirts as much, being busy with her hands. Then it's baking a cake and wrapping gifts for Mr P's birthday, which we're doing tomorrow out of convenience (he doesn't mind).
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Itโs Super Star Saturday! Free coffee voucher for those who complete the optional upskill module!
The "People and Culture" team would like to remind you that the upskill modules are compulsory and are not to be completed during work hours.
Also note, those who fail to complete the modules by Monday, or do not receive a minimum of 50% pass mark will be placed on a performance management plan.
Vouchers are limited to 1 small coffee when a purchase of $10 or more is made.
Enjoy your weekend!
Everyone is always so sad allegedly when someone dies. Were you there for them when they really needed it? Did you even pick up the phone?
All this talk about mental health is incredibly cheap.
Of course it is, because no one ever really wants to be close to someone struggling with their own mind. They prefer performative care, so they can receive sympathy, but do not actually care about the person truly struggling.
The mentally unwell are chronically alone and lonely, I can attest, with few real, genuine human connections, because they are just there to make others feel good about themselves. Even their death is capitalised upon for further sympathy and attention.
I wonder why I have so few genuine, caring friends, but why wonder when the answer is they don't actually care. They just like others telling them how kind and selfless they are. It's disgusting that the mentally unwell are only "cared for and about" when they're fucking dead and it doesn't mean anything to them.
personal experience
My own family, the side I still see, doesn't call or text me despite knowing what I go through. But they are quick to say "if you need anything, let us know". Well I said call me occasionally and they cannot do that, so I may as well rot away and they can all have their performative sadness when I pass away. My own dad doesn't even call, even when I initiate contact. So yeah, fuck anyone who pretends they cared, just to take their fill of the attention they obviously so desperately crave.
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Today is day 365 of learning Spanish
I don't know whether I'll continue my streak or not, but it's pretty cool to do something for 365 days straight. I actually started like 380 days ago, but I've used up a few streak freezes which just stop it from breaking but don't extend it.
I haven't made much progress and without being able to speak it with anybody irl, it doesn't seem like it's actually seeping into my brain. I tried watching shows with foreign language dubs, but it was too difficult to keep up, even when I knew the English dialogue word for word. I can understand about every 5th word in Orange Is The New black though, so I guess that's something. But it doesn't help that Spanish speakers talk at approximately 720,593 words per minute
I haven't had a whole lot of motivation to continue and keep pushing on since about day 200, but I wanted to hit 365 days. My previous longest streak was like 19 days or something like that, so #winning I guess
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I have a flight that is boarding in about 4 hours - currently trying to decide whether to try and get at least a couple of hours of sleep or full send it and stay up ๐ฅด
Rain coming down thick and fast. I did get the washing dry this morning, so am grateful for that. Have also weeded the pot plants and distributed the spring fertilizer ration, so this rain is perfect.
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I showed my girlfriend Life Is Beautiful last night. That movie always hits hard but even more so when you have kids
Kimchi on hot dogs. Discuss..
Delete the frankfurter. Use a decent sausage instead. Crispy roll, cumberland banger and kimchi - what's not to like.
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Shopping done!
Trying out a cafe I havenโt been to today, trying out Drip cafe today.
Hope the coffee is good here.
Not too big of a place here and Iโve taken a front window seat to hopefully see more of the sun.
Iโm thinking I make risotto today. Massive batch
Satisfactory is far too addictive.
Please send me and Ms. Indisin help that isn't in the form of a notebook or a spreadsheet.
Where did Saturday go? Should probably go finish that production line.
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Beep Beep ๐
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ซ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฅญ๐๐ฅฅ๐ฅฆ๐ฅ๐ซ๐๐
๐ฅ๐ฅฌ๐ฅ๐ฝ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ง
๐ฅฏ๐๐ฅ๐ฅจ๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ง๐ณ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅฉ๐๐๐ซ๐๐๐๐ญ๐ฅ๐ง๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฅ๐๐ฃ๐ฑ๐ฅ๐ฆช๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ ๐ค๐ชผ๐ฆ๐ ๐๐ฅฎ๐ข๐ก๐ง๐ฐ๐ง๐ฅง๐ฆ๐จ๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ซ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฟ๐ฏ๐ฅโ๏ธ๐ต๐บ๐ถ๐ฅค๐ง๐ง๐ฅ๐ท๐ฅ๐ธ๐น๐ง๐
A coffee, and the sweet release of falling apart into my elemental components to be washed away in the foamy gravitational waves.
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Ended up with 60mm last night according to the rain gauge. Pretty much in an hour. Insane.
Sometimes I check the Wi-Fi networks my phone picks up in my building, and they don't disappoint.
paternoster ๐
I have a contented cat curled up on my lap, purring. I am getting hungry and and would quite like some lunch. He says that's not his problem. I guess I'm going hungry until His Fluffiness releases me.
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