In my experience you dont *get over* the fearβyou only work up the courage to do it anyway.
this post was submitted on 19 Nov 2024
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I'll give the same advice I give on everything:
"In 6 months, will taking this action still have a major effect on your life?"
So, in 6 months, will a "no" change your life in a meaningful way from what it is today? If the answer is no, let that sink in.
Once you can logically define what's "impactful", it makes it a whole lot easier to do those things that seem scary in the moment. And once you do those things aleven a few times, they get easier and easier.
Alcohol.
I married her.
I was friends with her and I trusted that she would handle it well if she wasn't interested. And turns out she indeed wasn't interested, but we did talk about it and decided to just stay friends. It was a little awkward as my feelings for her still lingered a bit, but eventually that passed and I'm now with a wonderful girl who I think is a much better match for me.
We're still friends to this day.
I just told them one day that Iβm taking them out for sushi and paying, and that itβs not a date. We were friends for a couple years before, so they were like βhell yeah free sushi!β
They turned it into a dateβ¦. Slyly bringing art book they drew in, and knowing Iβd be like OOO WHATβS THAT on the way home. I sat down for a good half hour and was marveling at their cute artistic talent.
Weβve been together for almost 13 years.
Damn that's cute
I do not, for a second, take it all for granted >w<
Nobody ever fell in love without being a little brave
Just gotta work up to ask. For me, I started by asking her to come to a group outing with me. No, not the sleezy tactic of "Totally going to be a group" then it's just me, but actually a group outing. My friends knew I liked her and they tried to sit so we'd be next to each other. Couple of weeks I worked up the courage to finally ask her to see a movie with me, and she said yes.
At the end of the day, it's cliche but the worst that would happen is "No." If it's a no, it sucks, but accept it, and move on. It's done, it's over. No maybes, no what ifs, just, hey she's not into you, and rejection is never fun, but it happens to the best of us. If she says yes, then great!
Just remember, number 1 tippy top best advice I can give - relationships and love are not like the movies. They just aren't. She's a real person, just like you. She has hobbies, likes, dislikes, and she may be a completely different person than who you have in your head. Don't just ask out a crush you barely know. Get to know her, the real her, not the one you built up in your head. She's not going to be your Robin Scherbatsky, or your Leia, Arwen, or <>, she's not going to be the imaginary girl you imagined in your head and what you are going to do, she's a real human. I like to ground anyone who has a crush and pull them back down to earth. Crushes are fun, but we romanticize the person into someone they're not. Make sure you like them, not who you think they are.
If you don't feel ready to ask her out, like if you don't know her very well, then trust that feeling, and do what I did, try to find some mutual ground where you can get to know each other a bit more. Group settings are great for this, see how well you get along together. When you're ready, it'll still be terrifying, but like the quote says, no one ever fell in love without being a little brave.
Note: I realized I wrote this from my point of view. Swap out the pronouns if they don't apply.
This guy relationships.
Crushes are fun, but we romanticize the person into someone they're not.
This. So much this. I fell in this trap a few times and even though I overcame the fear of asking out and the other side accepted and we dated a few times, eventually my disappointment with the difference between what I imagined the person would be vs how the person actually is would kick in and I would start blaming the other person and/or start criticizing the other person.
I now realize that I was trying to force the other person into my personal view of "how that person should be" and that was very unfair to them but I didn't realize what I was doing while doing it.
It takes work but try to stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks of you. Once I did that my life got so much better. Not to be confused with not caring about others just don't worry what they think of you. That's their cross to carry.
How did you do that?
Aging helps. I'm not sure how or why, but these days, I couldnl't care less about what strangers think of me.
For me it had the opposite effect, sadly. I was pretty confident in myself two years ago, but then I got covid a second time and since then I'm not quite the same. I get nervous all the time and feel stressed easily, which in turn makes me feel sick and sweaty, which makes me nervous again. It's gotten better through therapy, CBD oil and supplements for the brain, but I'm still not back to my old self and might never be
Honestly? Ate enough mushrooms to annihilate my ego and realized my self worth. I don't recommend that technique but it worked for me.
How much grams were needed for that?
About 7 for myself although I've actually eaten 15 and not had the same experience. Depends on the strength which is hit or miss
Alright, time to order a grow box again!
I came here to suggest the same thing. Ego death is freedom.
my social butterfly mother taught me about a "fake-ness" that's worked well for me in situations like this: when you talk to them, follow every opportunity that reveals something about themselves (eg "you mentioned that you liked the color blue, i kinda like it too because of X, why do you like it?") and do it even if it bores you and you grasp at straw to keep the conversation going. people love talking about themselves and love it even more with an audience that seems into it and, at the end, either your crush will be dispelled or now your crush is aware of you.
if they act odd after that; then they don't feel the same way about you that you feel about them and move on. if they do feel the same way about you OR if they don't, but they still like you; they'll likewise look for an excuse to tell you more about themselves.
This dude just casually handing out the secret to being a good conversationalist. Ask questions, listen to the answers and follow them like a trail of breadcrumbs. All of a sudden you're having a conversation, and you won't be worrying about your courage
Which works great until the other person responds with 2-5 words max every time you ask a question (dating apps)
That's a good thing, imagine if you ended up with that person.
I do and have been but there's only so many times I can try
Yeah trying to have a conversation on a dating app is like pissing into the wind
Edit: interesting username, is that a reference to the old flash player gnash?
No it's something I came up with when I was 10 and it stuck. Not really a reference to anything
k
lmao
wot u think
ngl dat flips
brb ohio
Honestly at least that would convey a bit of personality lol
A good solution here is to ask open ended questions instead of ones with a yes or no etc answer and to talk about their interests.
So far it seems as though they're interested in nothing
There's nothing in their profiles about their interests?
At least in my age range most of the profiles are pretty generic, asking about stuff in them usually results in bare minimum generic responses or no response at all
Wow, that's pretty dire. I have tried dating apps and didn't really ever find much luck in them and started looking in places where dating isn't the goal instead like hobbies or common community spaces and slowly building relationships that way.
I've been thinking of doing that, tried some clubs in my area but it was mostly people in their 40s+
Kinda want to try get into climbing, I'm in the gym a lot anyway and I think most of them come with gym memberships too, I hear it's quite diverse but also not sure how social it is
Normal gym for sure feels like everyone wants to be left alone
Those people aren't a good match for you (or maybe anyone).
i'll never cease to be amazed at how much the old ways still work.
If it doesn't work out, at least you'll know and you can move on. If you don't do it, you'll regret it forever.
By working on my self-esteem. A lot of the fear is tying your worth on the outcome of approaching your crush.
If you decouple your self-worth on whether your crush reciprocates or not, then you can come as close as you like.
I changed schools. Now, even if I wanted to approach her, I can't!
Kidding aside, I asked myself "if I am so anxious even approaching her, how can I even be in a relationship with her?" and basically forced myself to decide whether to: "yeah, this is a crush that I won't be doing anything about it, better to not let it linger and move on" or "I must do something about the anxiety."
If my feelings is not intense enough for the second option, the feelings will die soon enough, and will not make me regret that much.
In reality, I tend to think "no, they're more than likely not into me (due to various reasons)", and I'll just let the feelings be until they decay. Did it lead to regrets? Not really. The few times I've actually asked and approached someone I had a crush on, they were flattered, but ultimately told me they're not into me. The more it happened, the more I felt justified in my way of thinking.
Just fucking do it - it either works out or it doesn't but if it doesn't work out it's no loss to you because it was never going to work out.
There will be more crushes.
I didnβt. Have been wondering about βwhat ifβ ever since. So save yourself some grief and do it.
I did it the first time by just setting a date that I was going to tell her I liked her and sticking to that
Unfortunately turned out she had a boyfriend so that sucked
I think about what'll happen if they reciprocate - I'll be happy! They'll be happy!
I've said it to four or five people. Each time it went well - we dated and had a good time.
I cheat: I only ask people out if we've been friends for a bit. That way I can gauge if we're a decent match.
You need to take a risk on some level, which probably isnβt what you want to hear, but other commenters have said as much. I think that even worse than a solid βnoβ is just not doing anything and getting up in your head about the what-ifs, and missing an opportunity entirely.
Well, I did not really pursue my little princess with persistence and I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence.
From a distance I desired her, secretly admired her wired her a letter to get her, and it went:
"My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me, but I know you very well, now let me tell you 'bout the feelings I have for you when I try, or make some sort of attempt, I simp - damn, I wish I wasn't such a wimp - cos then I would let you know that I love you so and if I was your man, then I would be true, and the only lying I would do is in the bed with you."
Then I signed "Sincerely, the one who loves you dearly, P.S. Love Me Tender."