I'm going to guess erp doesn't mean "erotic role play" here but maybe you had a niche job.

OOF, cheers and well done homie! That's delicious.

the dog went into heat.

“Sir, do you know why our dog alerted on your car?”

Welp, time to start a smuggling ring.

Your dog did what on my car???

I've become more and more empathetic with age, to the point where I sometimes feel bad about being correct and in a "told you so" situation. It's weird. I have found myself couching it with like, "well it was confusing, and I get why you thought it was X" or, "Oh wow, I thought I was wrong and you were right. That's surprising actually," or whatever, to soften the blow.

I think what it comes down to is: I don't want to make a person feel bad for being wrong about something because that's how you learn. I probably overcorrect a bit though...

Yeah, but you gotta look smug.

"Oh, me? I didn't say anything!"

"You know damn well what you want to say! Go ahead! Say it! Say what you want!"

"I'm sure I haven't a clue what you're talking about."

With your nose in the air, and a grin on your face.

"Heavens to betsy, I do declaire the wait at this border is quite high, wouldn't you saaaaaaaay dear?"

I don't know why I envision you, regardless of gender, transitioning more and more into a victorian era elitist woman.

Wearing one of those big poofy dresses that gets real skinny at the waist, but then balloons at the hips, like there's a hula hoop under her dress. That sort of thing.

I'm usually more interested in what they learned than rubbing their face in it.

Like, are they going to listen to me next time or are we going to keep having this problem?

EU member: borders?

Tbh this is mostly a yank thing. If you come to my country it's a quick glance at the passport, 2 or 3 questions and a "Bienvenido."

Wait is this sarcasm or not...

I love botched idioms so much. "It's not rocket surgery" is my go to, but the best ones are unintentional (and completely torture the original).

Best I've heard lately was on the air, local NPR affiliate, and the unfortunate lass said something, complimenting I think a film director, saying "He's hitting all cylinders at just the very top level".

(The original is "firing on all cylinders", which just describes an internal combustion engine working properly and not suffering from that particular degradation, cylinders misfiring. Hitting them, anywhere, let alone "at the top level", is utter nonsense and it was delightful to me, she flat out abused that idiom)

Edit to add: some related favs which aren't quite botched idioms but which kinda "rhyme" with the idea - both meaning "okay, time to get the thing done":

• "let's kick this puppy" (given to me by a particularly influential teacher)
• "let's shake this baby" (my own personal creation, occurred to me while getting my kiddo ready for one thing or another)
• (these having the same flow as e.g. "let's knock this out", "let's blow this taco stand", etc.)

Wait, what? People wait at the border?

Normally, you just drive through without thinking about it. Later, you realize from the traffic signs that you must already be in the other country, and you missed the border again.

Papers, please.