Through the years I've found out that you can't get rid of your emotions without losing everything else that gives life its sparkle. That was one unwelcome discovery, but I'm glad it eventually happened. Castles built on foundations of sand are not meant to last. It's simply against natural order.
Well then, that meant I had to face the fact that I had feelings, and the fact that all my actions and habits I had built over the years were against those feelings. In fact, even designed to surpress and avoid them. My ideas of how the world and other people worked needed a complete revisit.
The prospect of having feelings and passion again is terrifying. At the same time, it's the thing I crave the most. Making its awaited return, it feels odd not stopping it in its tracks when it comes around. Like there's another person in my head that I've grown unfamiliar with over the years. Eager to finally be welcome again, and whispering ideas in my ears with its small and silent voice.
I must admit, they are some good ideas, even if they don't appear so at first sight. Angry ideas, fearful ideas, creative ideas, ideas of music and of images, ideas of love and freedom. Ideas that I will never be able to produce by myself, not in a million years. I was an idiot to run from them for so long, but what can you do. I had my reasons. There truly exists only fight or flight.
What seemed like an unwelcome guest at first is now slowly becoming my greatest friend. Still fragile and weak, its ideas seemed invasive at first. I didn't know how to handle it. Now that we're back together again, I can only see my emotions as my playmates. Your fears can be endeared, and your angers can be resolved. You can have the most beautiful dance with them when they come around. So-called "negative" emotions have an important purpose and need to be listened to. They don't necessarily need to be acted out, but they need to be investigated and given attention, they have their roots. They are from a part of you that gives you your life, and you can not run away from them forever.
Forgive my language, but fucking hell, does it feel great to feel anger and passion. I love being able to cry again. I love music, I love dancing, I love writing. All things that give me life. My cold eyes are slowly warming up again. Inverted living-death, the doors are opening, the core re-engaging. The world runs on emotions.