This is so me, omfg 😭

I swear, every person in every transition timeline EVER looks so much happier than before. And it's just so wholesome, omg 😭💜
Funnily enough, I'd also say most people look much younger 😆

I need him so baaad 😭😭😭

So, I have a friend...
He's the same age as me (but a few months older), bi and we've known each other for more than 10 years now, since elementary. He's my only remaining true friend, because the other left me at the beginning of HRT.

So far, he's been amazingly supportive. Like, probably the most supportive person after my bf. We talk a bit on Discord, mostly my messages tho (I think I annoy him a bit tbh 😆)

A couple of days ago...I was feeling good about myself. Great, even. Felt great about my HRT progress and I was feeling, for once in a very long time, kinda happy with myself.

And in that state of happiness and excitement, a mistake was made...

(This is the approximate conversation on Discord we had)

M - me
V - him

M: "Hey, so...I know I haven't shown you any pics, but my HRT progress is going quite well rn. It's really motivating."
M: "So...if you're ready..."
M: (links to timeline post on Trans Joy)
M: "You don't really have to look if you don't want to. It's just...I find it quite informational and tbh, interesting."
V: "Okay, Imma be honest..."
V: "It's a bit strange to see the naked body of someone I know...especially when that person is a girl."
V: "And, tbh..."
V: "If I hadn't known it was you, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between these and pics of a cis woman..."
M: "Stahp 😭. It's not true, you're just trying to be kind..."
V: "Nah, for real tho. Those are some pics you see on NSFW subreddits."
V: "Not trying to be kind, I'm just telling the truth."
V: "In fact, some time ago, had I not known these were your photos, they would have been something that I used for pleasure..."

Now, this conversation got slightly strange and after his last message (which he deleted), he started apologizing to me for being weird or creepy.
I don't blame him at all for this. I know that he has a strong preference for small chests...I knew that and sent the link anyway. I should have seen it coming. What is wrong with me? I regret making it awkward between us so fucking much.
I was just really excited in the moment and thought "Fuck it". I just wanted him to share my happiness...if only for a moment. It was a dumb thing to do.

Girls...
Please don't do what I did 😭
It was dumb and I should have known. Please, lovely people of Lemmy, please be smarter than me 🩷

My bf has actually done each of these at least once 😆
Omfg I love him so much 😭🩷

Of course I make a timeline update and they do something different immediately after 😭
It's how they've always been.

Posted a small update to my timeline yesterday and today they started leaking when pressed. Well, my left one did, it's in the lead of the race currently taking place on my chest 😂

It's not a huge amount, just a tiny drop of a milky liquid when squeezed/stimulated. I think these are my milk ducts forming and opening. They're not just for show! 😆

Anyway, I've been super happy with them. Super happy. I think I'm currently going through a growth spurt, and I attribute part of it to prog. They're sore all the time now and I swear the shape changed a bit.
I've waited so long for boobs of my own...this is literally a dream come true. Thank you, E and P ♥️

P.S: I don't think this post deserves an NSFW tag. I don't think it's sexual at all, but mods, please, if it's too much, go ahead and remove it. I'll do better next time 😭

(This is a story originally from my Reddit account, posted almost a month ago. But along with my Reddit account, this post got deleted, so I though I'd find it on the Wayback Machine and post it on Lemmy instead. I found it really funny and wanted to keep it around)

About a week ago, I went out drinking with a couple of my friends. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I got really, really drunk lol. E has totally decreased my tolerance for alcohol and I rarely drink anyway.

When I stumbled back home (almost crawling on all fours at that point), my bf was very understanding. He helped me get undressed, inserted my prog for me and made sure I got to bed safely. Then I fell asleep.

I don't know why, but alcohol initially makes me fall asleep really easily, but then I always wake up a couple of hours later, not very well rested. So while I did fall asleep quite quickly, I didn't stay asleep for more than 5 hours.

I kinda woke up at about 3AM (my guess), totally out of it and confused. I did not open my eyes yet though. There was a lingering smell of wine in my nostrils, which was quite unpleasant, but I was fine otherwise, just really confused. I was trying to remember who I was or where I was, with my eyes still closed, and I kinda started rubbing my face against the pillow I was sleeping on.

It was really soft and smelled really, really good. Like that kind of smell that a girl's hair would have, nicely taken care of with various hair care products. This kind of worried me, because my brain was like: "This is a girl's pillow. What the hell did you do last night? Who am I going to wake up next to? I'm totally gonna wake up next to a girl that I don't know in the morning. And I don't even like girls!". I grew increasingly panicked, but I couldn't get enough of the scent, lol.

So I finally opened my eyes. My bf was sleeping next to me, in our own bed and I was laying on my own damn pillow 🤣. I felt so stupid, but also pretty damn euphoric. It smelled soooo good! I guess HRT made my hair much less oily, so the only thing I could smell from my pillow was my shampoo and conditioner. It definitely gave me a confidence boost.

The next morning I woke up, after a not-so-restful night with a really bad hangover and felt like shit. But I had my euphoria and was at least really happy 🩷

These are the meds and supplies part of my HRT.

1. Needles (syringes are behind them)
2. Progesterone
3. Cyproterone acetate
4. A spare box of estradiol pills
5. Vials of estradiol valerate
6. My auto injector
7. (not part of HRT) Bupropion, still important.

Honestly, quite a mess, but I can find everything and I like it this way 😄
Does anyone else have a messy/crazy med cabinet for their HRT?

So, today started out kinda well...
I had a job interview planned for the afternoon. I woke up, had a shower, shaved my arms and legs, dried my hair, put on some deodorant...
I just had to admire my soft skin, so I posted my legs on Lemmy 😆

I was feeling good. I decided to wear a black hoodie and my black jorts (black clothing, black heart 🖤, or something). Also, my lucky red panties for some reason lol. I don't wear a bra, since it's uncomfortable and my boobs aren't that big yet anyway (but they're getting there!)

My freshly shaved legs were completely exposed...but I didn't care. I felt good about myself. And then happily started my journey to the mall, where the interview took place.

Some people stared. I didn't care at all tho. I just went on with my life as usual. Just, normal me, don't mind me people 😄.

When I got to the mall, I made a quick restroom stop, to fix my hair and apply MOAR deodorant, not because I smelled bad, but because I like the smell 😆 (it's raspberry, my bf picked it out for me).

I arrived at the store for my interview (it's a clothing store). There were lots of people, young people, which made me a bit nervous...but I carried on. The staff (or manager?) took me into a room in the back and we sat down. He was extremely friendly and fun to be around. Handsome too 😊

I was to tell him about myself. I mentioned programming, reading, having a bit of social anxiety and trying to find a way to fix it (by working at a clothing store, I mean) and also transitioning. He was understanding, but after some talking, he told me they needed someone more accustomed to working with people (they're very busy). He told me it might be a too big of a shock for me and my anxiety, and I agreed...so I said goodbye, smiled one last time and left.

I didn't feel too bad. I didn't expect them to actually hire me, so I was prepared. It didn't bother me.
What did bother me tho was what came next...

A call from grandma. Asking me how I was doing (she knows I've been really struggling with dysphoria and depression, especially in the past couple of months). I told her I was doing better and that I had just had a job interview.
She's nice, but old...

so I got misgendered in every sentence.

So, when it started to really hurt, I gently corrected her. She basically said that she was old and struggling with "my new pronouns". She tried to use the correct ones the rest of the call, but it felt forced and honestly, she did pretty poorly.

I wasn't mad at her. I get it, it's really hard. But I've been out to her for a long time now...it just hurt a lot.
So I sat down on a bench, mind spinning from dysphoria. I texted my bf, which I thought might help me feel better...

it just got worse.

He basically told me "Oh, just speak in a higher pitch and yell, she'll get it soon enough" (because voice gendering is all about pitch, right?). That honestly hurt me more than anything previously had that day...
It felt almost like betrayal. Like the person closest to me, the love of my life, having zero understanding or empathy for me during a tough moment...

I was pretty shaken up. My dysphoria started getting worse. The outfit, the one I had thought looked so good on me in the morning...suddenly I thought I looked like a hooker, waiting on a bench for my client. Even worse...I thought I looked like a gay cis male prostitute.

And so I started crying while also walking home. I felt really bad. Soon, the wind picked up and I put my hair up in a ponytail. It was more practical that way...
But as soon as I got into the elevator in my apartment building and I saw what was in the mirror...I started crying even more. I HATE how my face looks with my hair put up...it's so different. So much...uglier, more masculine.

Sobbing, I got back home, to our apartment. And the wifi had died...an issue on the provider's side. I tried to fix it, but I couldn't do anything...
This was the bitter cherry on top for me. The day had started so well...and now turned to crap, as it often does when it starts a little too well.

I just had enough at that point, so I had a couple of candy bars and hugged my Blahaj to sleep.

Today sucked. A lot.
Things that I shrugged off pre-HRT can really upset me know. But even so...I wouldn't change a thing. I'd never stop taking E. Because I like having emotions, the good, bad and ugly. I don't enjoy being an emotionless zombie, like I was pre-HRT.

I can cry. I can let it out. HRT is the greatest gift life has bestowed upon me and I am forever grateful.

So I guess I just wanted to say: some days suck. Some days are great.
But...with the correct hormones, I feel like life is worth living. Life can be hard, but boobs are soft 😆

Take your meds girlies. I wish you all a better day than I had today. Love you all 💜

It's not even funny anymore. I wish I was joking, but it happened again! I forget that it gets cold outside at night and that my body just isn't as cold-resistant anymore and I still try to go outside 😭

Anyway, I have this outfit. I swear to god, my jorts shrank and now they're super tight and it's kinda uncomfortable. Also the top is a bit small, also tight and not very comfortable either...I just think this isn't a good match. It's tight and tight, which goes against the tight and loose rule.

My main problem with this outfit is that the jorts sit directly on my waist (I can't get them any lower, they're just too tight 😭) and they cover it. (In my mind) my waist is like the main thing about my figure, so without it, I just look...fat? Masculine? In my eyes at least. If that makes sense...

I do like the off-shoulder top tho. It hides the broadness surprisingly well...it's just not very comfortable. And also, I just have to keep readjusting it, which isn't very practical.

I just don't think I did very well with this outfit...
What I think would improve this look could be a pair of low-waist jorts. These could probably expose more of my waist and make my figure more feminine? Does that makes sense?

I'm probably talking crazy. I still have so much to learn. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thank you very much 💜

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to tend to my bf, as always 😆. I'll definitely remember to write a spoilered comment with that later. Yep. Definitely. My memory is good, right?

I love you, kind and pretty people in my phone. Thanks for always being here for me ♥️

Edit:

Sorry for the hornyposting, but I love loving this man and enjoy every second of it ♥️

I've been doing not great lately, and one thing that keeps coming up in my head is one of the beliefs I hold on to, to try and stay sane.

It's not really a belief...I don't know if I truly believe it. It is a coping mechanism tho, which at least partially prevents me from going completely crazy...

Does anyone else tell themselves that they'll be born cis in the "next life"?

For me personally, I mean a cis woman. And with that, all of the things I'll get to experience that I can't now (a normal female puberty at the right time, periods, pregnancy, hopefully attracting way more cis men...)
I don't even know if I believe in reincarnation, but I still hold onto this thought, this hope for dear life. I guess it's a justification of some sort? Because to be honest...I'd do anything, and I mean really anything to be cis. But I can't, of course.

This probably doesn't make sense, but it does kinda help sometimes. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess...I'd just like other people's opinion on this. Do you have anything similar?

Edit: I'm sorry. Really. Yesterday, for some reason I decided to take oral prog (bad idea), which made me drunk for about 2 hours and then it made me a depressed, dysphoric, crying mess (as it does every time). On top of that, for some reason I decided to watch the trailer for the upcoming anime, Just Like Mona Lisa...

Any cis person would be like "Oh yeah, cool new anime, people are born genderless and then at 12 choose their own puberty?", but...I'm not cis and in the state I was in...it sent me straight into a spiral. The whole concept still makes me dysphoric af, but I really wanna see it...
I haven't watched anime in years. I'm curious how this one turns out...even if I die from dysphoria in the process 😆

Thanks everyone! You're all so sweet. Way too sweet. I don't deserve you 😭 Thanks for being so kind to me 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

Edit2: I read the manga, all in one sitting. It gave me some much needed exposure, and for some reason, facing the pain head-on helped relieve the bad feelings. I'm actually surprised how much it helped and how much I enjoyed the piece itself.
Huh. Didn't expect that to work. I fully expected a breakdown and lots of crying. There was some tearing up...but I feel much better now. Now I'm not scared of the anime in the slightest. Looking forward to it.

This probably doesn't make any sense, I get it. Just...treat this as a mad ramble 😆
I love y'all. Thank you 💜

It's me! I got more prog 😆.
Back to boofing 2 capsules every night, as the doctor ordered. And this time I won't eat all of it and be really relaxed. Boofing only.

I'm still really surprised how cheap it is. I'm really lucky to have such good insurance...
I got 90 capsules, 200mg each, and paid a little over half a dollar. It's crazy cheap!
I know how expensive DIY prog can be...

This means, I'm back on prog. Which means, the break me and my boyfriend are having is over. Which means...expect to hear from me 😂

Hope you all are having a great day. Love you girls ♥️

P.S: The image is old. God I'm glad I don't wear those stupid pants anymore 😆

P.S.2: Also getting back into programming somehow, on prog day nonetheless. I dropped it as soon as starting HRT for some reason, but I'm giving it another try and having lots of fun!