It is a single address with an associated subnet mask, indicating what subnet the address is in.

The subnet would be 3fff:a1:1ab:bc67::/64, for the top one.

None of which changes the fact that it's more expensive and clunkier, and none of which feels necessary.

How the heck do people with 4TB SD cards do data hygiene wipes of their medium before crossing international borders?

They don't

Where is that mentioned? I can't find that in the article

This is an extra service they don’t have to offer.

No, they could let you use someone else's service instead, but they've chosen to block that.

you can back it up to your computer as well

According to the article you literally can't

Although based on the comments there, the article may be wrong on that point

*plugs USB into Ethernet port

This meme didn't let me down

Expect updates to a lot of things in the near future.

And also a lot of things that remain unpatched for years

It's not gonna be better than turning the screen off.

That's not at all the same thing. That requires downscaling some screens, which makes everything blurry and breaks subpixel AA.

No, and not even all keyboards and mice. It will only work for ones which can do PS/2 signaling over the USB port.

And there is OpenSUSE: 10 11 12 13 42 15