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After a suicide attempt and seeing a psychiatrist I was told I probably have avpd. I lurk on Reddit, and checked out the avpd subreddit. My god. I found people just like me. It’s not depression. It’s not social anxiety. I’m not autistic. It’s just a complete… inability to create friendships. I’m just broken.

I’m so full of shame for the way I was brought up, and for where I am in life now. I just can’t connect with people. Why would any one want me as a friend? I don’t want me as a friend. I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair… I can’t meet people because I’m 100% sure they’ll find me repulsive. I came from an idiotic cult-like family. Didn’t get sent to school. Never had a friend. Spent years as a NEET. Past few years I’ve had a job, and I’m trying to break out, but it’s just clearly highlighted how far away from the normal I am. It’s soul destroying. There’s no catching-up, because I’m just broken. I quit. I need help, but no one seems to be able to.

I’be been told to ask customer-service workers how their day’s been, as social skills practice by my therapist. I’ve done it, and it’s awkward or gets shut down with one word answers. I know they’re busy and DON’T want to talk to me. I’m harrassing people at their jobs.

I’m dead on the inside, but it still hurts. Even if they know nothing about me they can detect my sever depressed mood. No one likes that. It’s repulsive.

Posting here because I get shadow-banned on Reddit for protecting my privacy (using tor), and because I’m a free software advocate.

I’m running out of money. I dread getting another low skilled job to donate all my wages to a landlord so I can have a freindless hole to waste away in. I’m so close to trying again. A different method this time. As I got older I’ve realised the only worthwhile thing in life are relationships. Ironic. I hate this. I can’t do this anymore. I was a mistake. I need to die. I make everything worse. I’ve never wanted to be here. No time in my life have I ever been happy to be alive. Fuck this. Fuck my retarded parent. What the fuck were they thinking.

vent vent vent vent it doesn’t get better.

Can we create a group of avpd and... form friendships? You're right. What was I thinking.

Do people actually enjoy life? I've known, superficially, people that appear happy, but I have a suspicion it's all an elaborate act. Life's mundane, and boring. It's all the fucking same. Go anywhere on the planet, the people are all the same, doing all the same things, in slight variations.

Nature's an unimaginative joke. Clones of clones with variations. Much wow. Much spiraturality. Those giant rocks changed my life. That whale spoke to me personally. That tree healed me. Are people fucking serious? Are people so cognitively inept that being reminded that there's things outside themselves, alive or not, is a life affirming act?

I just want to disappear. The older I get the more dissapointed I become. There's nothing here that gives any sense of joy. Medication doesn't work. Therapies don't work. Self-aware life is hell. If anyone's happy or content their self-awareness must be sufficiently limited. Blah, blah, blah. Just rambling. I hate this. People who have children are the worst.