ADHD

I flip flop. Sometimes I just space, sitting there and perfectly content with doing, well, nothing. When I tried SSRIs/SNRIs this got way worse. I'd lay in bed, not even getting up for the day, and stare at the ceiling. Perfectly happy with nothing. Not really depressed, not really anxious, just nothing. Escitalopram was the worst at doing this. I had to stop because between this, the anorgasmia, constant RLS all the way up to my arms, and sleeping 4 hours and feeling wide awake/manic- it was a nightmare. However, my niece made it through the two-week side effects and loves it, so it varies.

Not counting medicine, I do understand what you're going through to some extent. My dad had a seizure when I was a kid and I was right there for it. It was terrifying. I was scared. But my brain just kicked off and I went completely calm. I pretty much directed the whole situation without emotion as adults twice my age completely panicked. I was thirteen. On really bad days, I feel like there's nothing outside my window. That everyone else isn't real and that I'm the only existence, just sitting in a box. I go full panic mode. Other times I'm just way too hyper. I talk way too much and even though I don't do anything wrong, I feel like I was annoying and hate myself for days.

The only non-medicinal suggestion I can give you is to try getting some fidget toys. Little boxes with buttons and joysticks, stuff like that. Sometimes it can kick your brain back on simply by focusing on them. I have a clicker and a Jigglypuff stress squeezer, myself. I really hope you can find something that works for you and don't stop looking until you do find it.