ADHD

I flip flop. Sometimes I just space, sitting there and perfectly content with doing, well, nothing. When I tried SSRIs/SNRIs this got way worse. I'd lay in bed, not even getting up for the day, and stare at the ceiling. Perfectly happy with nothing. Not really depressed, not really anxious, just nothing. Escitalopram was the worst at doing this. I had to stop because between this, the anorgasmia, constant RLS all the way up to my arms, and sleeping 4 hours and feeling wide awake/manic- it was a nightmare. However, my niece made it through the two-week side effects and loves it, so it varies.

Not counting medicine, I do understand what you're going through to some extent. My dad had a seizure when I was a kid and I was right there for it. It was terrifying. I was scared. But my brain just kicked off and I went completely calm. I pretty much directed the whole situation without emotion as adults twice my age completely panicked. I was thirteen. On really bad days, I feel like there's nothing outside my window. That everyone else isn't real and that I'm the only existence, just sitting in a box. I go full panic mode. Other times I'm just way too hyper. I talk way too much and even though I don't do anything wrong, I feel like I was annoying and hate myself for days.

The only non-medicinal suggestion I can give you is to try getting some fidget toys. Little boxes with buttons and joysticks, stuff like that. Sometimes it can kick your brain back on simply by focusing on them. I have a clicker and a Jigglypuff stress squeezer, myself. I really hope you can find something that works for you and don't stop looking until you do find it.

Do you ever feel like everything is meh, with only the extreme ups and downs having any impact on you?

It's something that I've been noticing about myself lately.

For the most part everything is just "normal". If you ask what I want for supper, I don't care. And I honestly don't. Aside from a few things that I REALLY don't like, anything will be fine. Little annoyances, and small victories just feel like boring everyday typical events, and only the "THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM THAT WILL DESTROY MY LIFE" or "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED!" give me any sort of emotional variance.

Your post doesn't directly reference this, but it reminded me of it. And I wanted to keep this concept separate from my Tao of Pooh recommendation.

I have inattentive type adhd as well, and was also diagnosed as an adult. I think It's normal to feel frustrated/disheartened as you grapple with it. I also recently mentioned to someone that I think I may have an emotional range that's narrower than typical.

My wife, doctor, occupational therapist (I'm on short term disability because my I developed an anxiety problem that was causing me to spiral), and lawyer (I was told there isn't a job for me to come back to when I'm better) all delicately danced around the prospect of depression/suidality. I'm lucky that I have some great things in my life that make it easy to tackle those questions head on.

Talk to a specialist.

The zoning out part sounds like disassociation. It's kinda like your brain flatlines or something for a second? I run into that and my psychiatrist prescribes the Strattera generic for it. I would advise speaking with a professional about it. I jumped around between a few different prescriptions before that.

I think I've experienced a similar things with the emotional void and aimlessness. Took some years to process past trauma that I think was the cause and I think things are looking up, relatively. If you haven't already, speaking with a therapist would be a good idea. If nothing else, it'll help you by just letting you say things out loud so you can hear it. Rubber ducking, basically. Therapists also have good advice and feedback, usually, too.

I can relate to this. I lived with this brain of mine for almost 40 years before I realized that it wasn't like everyone else's. I never thought I was ADHD, because there wasn't chaos in my brain. I wasn't bouncing around the room uncontrollably during school. NOBODY ever told me that sitting quietly and doodling in your notebook all day was a symptom.

My brother, who knows me better than anyone, told me about a book he had just read. The Tao of Pooh. He said, this sounds exactly like you!

At the time, I had heard of Taoism, but couldn't have told you anything about it. I won't do the concept justice in a few sentences here, but at it's core, it is the philosophy of "floating down the river"

Tao of Pooh is a very small book. (And if you're like me, that matters A LOT) You could easily finish it in a day or two if you don't have much going on. I highly recommend it for a deeper perspective on how to appreciate and enjoy the "float down the river". Oh, and yes, the Pooh, is Winnie the Pooh. From the books, not the Disney.

ADHD often has comorbidity with other disorders.